image of crime scene tape

One afternoon when a friend was visiting, I told my ex-wife, “I’m going out drinking. If you’re here when I get back,  I’ll kill you.”

Hours later my friend and I returned.

“You coming in?”

Right. I’ll call tomorrow.”

When he called, I didn’t answer, just to mess with him.

Alexa’s New Voice

“Hon, there’s something wrong with Alexa.”

“Oh, Susan’s given her a man’s name and voice.”

“So Alexa’s a male tranny now?

“I suppose so.”

“What are his pronouns?”

“Very funny, Jim.”

“Hold on. You think Susan’s trying to tell us something?”

“Well, she did ask about puberty blockers for it.”

Free to Good Home

Puppies, Free to Good Homes Home.

“Hurry, Dad, they’ll be gone.”

“No worries, Jason.”

Just then the front door opened. A young boy holding a puppy emerged with his parents, followed by the home owner, who lifted the sign out of the ground then carried it, and Jason’s dreams, away.

Horoscopes October 2023

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Your request to change your birth date legally so that it coincides with the Aztec calendar turns the worldwide judicial community on its briefs. Bill Gates likes the idea, however, and promptly releases Windows 8736 with a screen saver in which his face morphs into that of the Sun God.

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Room with a View

woman scratching her head

Betty often went into a room and couldn’t remember why she had gone there. She had developed strategies for dealing with these situations, but nothing she tried today brought her purpose to mind, until she heard a loud, impatient voice. “Are you going to be in the bathroom all day?”

Joint Venture

My married visitor arrived with a bottle of vodka and the scratch-and-sniff issue of Hustler.

“Here, tell me if that’s what it smells like.”

“Will it wash off?”

We smoked a joint. 

Next morning she said, “I shouldn’t be doing this.”

“Conscience bothering you?”

“No. Smoking a joint. I’m pregnant.”

Shots Were Fired

Two shots, then a scream. A figure races out of an alley. No one pays any mind. Minutes later a wounded man stumbles from the alley and falls onto the sidewalk. He, too, is ignored, except by a sympathetic young girl who is yanked away and scolded by her mother.

Case Notes #97

yin-yang symbol

“Yin is passive, introverted—frequently weak. Yang is outgoing and opinionated. She’s happy to stay at home with a book and her cat. He likes to party.  Yin keeps their jaijitu (mighty circle) so cold that Yang, who is a real beach lover, constantly wears thick, heavy robes indoors.

“Prognostication poor.”

A.I. Invades the Confessional

“Bless me father for I have sinned.”

“And who hasn’t?”

“It’s been four months since my last confession.”

“Did you break a leg?”

“Uh, no father …”

“Is this going to take long?”

“Well …”

“Look, whatever you’ve done, I’ve heard it all. Your sins are forgiven. Now get lost.”