The Last Supper, the World’s First Roast

Following the Tom Brady roast, one reviewer proclaimed that Brady is “our ‘Jesus Christ’ in the war against political correctness.”

Jesus, you’ll recall, was the fly-as OG host and roast master at the world’s first roast, The Last Supper, where the tax collector, fishy hygiene, pedophile, and Is-Jesus-Gay jokes flew.

BearScat Announces Pro Model Upgrade

A Canadian couple was eaten by a bear recently despite “shooting” her with a full can of BearScat, “the world’s most effective bear repellent.” Stung by criticism from outraged Redditors, the company has introduced BearScatPro. Each giant-economy-sized can includes a coupon for 20% off any Smith & Wesson hand gun.

Is Thomas the Tank Engine a Sexual Predator

Thomas the Tank Engine has been sued for sexual harassment by Lady Jane Hatt and her granddaughter Bridgett, who charged that Thomas repeatedly thrust his engine at Lady Hatt suggestively—in addition to making lewd advances at young Bridgett. He also left a thin line of grease on a Coke can.

Propane-Driven Vape Pens Blamed for Three Deaths in Amish Country

Three Amish youth–Jacob, Lucas, and Martin Stolzfus–died when the vape pen they had rigged with propane so they could smoke marijuana concentrate exploded.

Retrofitting electric devices from washing machines to dildos so they run on propane is common in Amish communities, where the “pro” in iPad Pro stands for “propane.”

Microsoft Issues Patches to Sluggish Windows 11 Users

Microsoft has responded to complaints from Windows 11 users who reported feeling sluggish after installing recommended system upgrades.

Yesterday Microsoft released the first of six patches that will be distributed free to certified Windows 11 users by Microsoft-validated physicians who display the trusted “Windows 11 Capable” shield in their offices.

How to Understand the Tao Te Ching Without Actually Reading It

The Tao Te Ching, a much venerated book of Chinese wisdom, has endured for more than 2,500 years despite the fact nobody has really figured out what it means yet. The last person who spoke the Chinese dialect in which the Tao was written died in a single-cart accident during the Three Sovereigns Around the Moon dynasty (345-287 BCE). (more…)

You Could Be Talking to a Dog in a Chatroom If

Screen name Commander or Princess.

Wants to meet in PetSmart.

Measures height to shoulders.

Asks how old you are in dog years.

Thinks computer’s “pause” button is misspelled.

Asks if you’re fixed.

Avoids exchanging photos.

Re-roofed summer house for $100.

Can’t understand fuss about quintuplets.

Too interested in e-mailman’s schedule.

Five Worst AI-generated Breakup Lines

“Your face is like the blue screen of death.”

“Sorry. I’ve encountered a fatal exception in my heart. You.”

“We are an outdated operating system, incompatible with the future.”

“You are the malware that corrupts my operating system.”

“As of today your program is no longer eligible for tech support.”

I’m Not Religious, but I Am Spiritual

If ever you hear someone make this claim, change the subject fast; otherwise you’ll be sorry to learn that “spiritual” folks believe in some batshit notions–crystals, astrology, sweat lodges, yoga, Ouija boards, Tarot cards, the I Ching–that make the notion of Jesus walking on water seem downright plausible. Amen.

High Times Magazine Declares Five Strains of Pot R.I.P.

The magazine’s brand new “Pot Mortem” column identifies those strains as:

White Küntz (the umlaut didn’t fool anybody, Skippy);

Bedhead OG (woke and broke);

Pwr Bttm (lost its power when the band did);

Tim Tebow Reserve (associated with knees lock in both sexes);

Biden OG (old, tired, stale, and costly).