flash fiction, satire, horoscopes, & more
Her $75,000,000 lawsuit hinges on a novel interpretation of the 14th Amendment, which, her lawyers claim, “confers protection” on pink-haired lesbians, 300-pound fatties, and all trannies.
Victoria’s Secret “caved into the patriarchy,” Lizzo declared.
“What? By featuring models that people actually want to look at?” said a Victoria’s Secret spokesperson.
It’s called Hackney Diamonds, and most critics are doing #3 in their pants, saying it’s the Stones best work in forty years.
“This band has never sounded more alive,” crowed The Guardian.
Others point out, however, that “even corpses are capable of twitching and emmitting sounds after they have died.”
Joran van der Sloot assured Natalee Holloway’s parents that their daughter, legally dead since 2012, is still, in fact, dead today. The assurance was part of a plea deal in which van der Sloot admitted to extorting $25,000 from Holloway’s mother for information about her daughter that he never delivered.
Penultimate, as civilized people learn in school, means “the next to last.”
Penultimate does not mean nor should it be allowed to mean “the most ultimate” or “the most awesome.”
The misuse of penultimate leads to atrocities like this headline from Science Direct, “Female genital mutilation: the penultimate gender abuse.”
Dereck Lucas, 33, of near-by Fallowfield says he found the needle while “on a hay ride.” Lucas’ fiance, Myrna Stubblefield, was not thrilled with this discovery.
“He actually believes there’s a needle in every haystack. I’ll never convince him otherwise now.”
Lucas, meanwhile, peeled off his magnetized gloves and snickered.
I can’t have been a prince. They’re all taken. Kings? Gone, too. Queens? I don’t see myself in a dress. Everyone talented, noble, heroic, charismatic, or enlightened has already been claimed. And why not? Being important in a previous life, is much easier than being a success in this one.
The winner of the $10,000 first prize in Tyson Farm’s 2023 What Does That Remind You Of Contest is Laura Roberts, 43, of Bear, Delaware, who claimed the prize after finding a three-inch-long, phallus-shaped chicken tender in a family value package of frozen tenders. Her winning answer, “My ex-husband–Chicken Little.”
Often confused with ironic by semi-literates. If you’re thinking about an old friend and you bump into that person somewhere, that’s not ironic, Skippy. It’s coincidental. If he says, “I’m going to Boston this weekend,” and you are, too, that’s still not ironic. Capisci? Click here for ironic’s true meaning.
WCL: Doesn’t it bother you to deprive a handicapped person of a parking space?
CHEAT: No, not really. There are always tons of other handicapped spaces going empty in most lots.
WCL: But what if there’s only one space left? Would you take that?
CHEAT: No, unless it was raining.
Taylor Swift–most often appears on gluten-free wheat toast
Joseph Biden–difficult to see because he always forgets to adjust the toaster
Willie Nelson–appears on untoasted bread if you’re really high
Queen Elizabeth II–popular among dementia sufferers, who often think she’s Betty White
You–thanks to the magic of the Selfie Toaster