đź”®Twelve Signs of the Zodiac Meltdown
Aries — Your ruling planet is caffeine. Your current mood is “burn it all down and start a podcast.” Someone will call you impulsive today. You will call them boring. Both are correct.
(more…)Author: philmaggitti
Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program
At long last, the federal government has unveiled the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program, a taxpayer-funded initiative designed to rescue itinerant evangelists from the perils of doorbell diplomacy. Decades of slammed doors, garden-hose ambushes, and irate Labradors have taken their toll on these soft-shoed missionaries of pamphlet and portents.
(more…)Ten Ways to Get a Free Thanksgiving Turkey
1. The SĂ©ance Strategy
Summon the ghost of last year’s turkey. Demand restitution. Most spectral turkeys are surprisingly apologetic and will re-manifest as a physical bird if you chant “Butterball, Butterball, bless this haul” thirteen times while wearing gravy as war paint.
Book of Daze: Misheard Lyrics Day
Every November 3 (or whatever date looks least credible on a calendar), we pause to celebrate the eternal struggle between sound and sense: Book of Daze: Misheard Lyrics Day. On this special occasion, we honor the millions of people who have confidently sung nonsense for decades—people who believe their ears are better than reality and their version of the song makes more emotional sense anyway.
(more…)Honky-Tonk Heroes
The old honky-tonk pulsed with twanging guitars and boot-stomping rhythms. Sarah leaned against the bar, heart wide open, singing every word. Around her, strangers clapped and hollered—bound together by a song about heartbreak and pickup trucks. For country fans, it wasn’t just music. It was home. It was family.
Cinderella Reimagined
As Cinderella twirls at the ball, the clock strikes midnight. She hurries away, leaving behind her glass slipper. When the prince finds it, he discovers it’s enchanted. He puts it on and is transformed into Cinderella. Suddenly the fairy godmother appears, laughing: “I granted your wish, Prince—now you’re her forever!”
Talking in the Present Tense
A concussion leaves Guido unable to speak in the past tense. One day a sinister-looking man in a pizzeria hears him say, “I get the stromboli when I’m here last week.”
The man, a local mobster, thinks Guido is in witness protection. When Guido leaves the store, the man follows.
Microsoft Issues Patches to Sluggish Windows 11 Users
Microsoft has responded to complaints from Windows 11 users who reported feeling sluggish after installing recommended system upgrades. Yesterday Microsoft released the first of six patches that will be distributed free to certified Windows 11 users by Microsoft-validated physicians who display the trusted “Windows 11 Capable” shield in their offices.
Irony
Buddy’s fondness for irony mutated into a full-blown paradoxical reaction to life. Dandruff shampoo turned him into a blizzard with feet. Cough medication made him sputter. His deodorant smelled like road-kill. When he sought medical advice, his doctor said, “I’d avoid Beano, contraceptives, and hemorrhoid preparations if I were you.”
BearScat Announces Pro Model Upgrade
A Canadian couple was eaten by a bear recently despite “shooting” her with a full can of BearScat, “the world’s most effective bear repellent.” Stung by criticism from outraged Redditors, the company has introduced BearScatPro. Each giant-economy-sized can includes a coupon for 20% off any Smith & Wesson hand gun.