news, satire, horoscopes, & attitude
At long last, the federal government has unveiled the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program, a taxpayer-funded initiative designed to rescue itinerant evangelists from the perils of doorbell diplomacy. Decades of slammed doors, garden-hose ambushes, and irate Labradors have taken their toll Read More
1. The Séance StrategySummon the ghost of last year’s turkey. Demand restitution. Most spectral turkeys are surprisingly apologetic and will re-manifest as a physical bird if you chant “Butterball, Butterball, bless this haul” thirteen times while wearing gravy as war Read More
Every November 3 (or whatever date looks least credible on a calendar), we pause to celebrate the eternal struggle between sound and sense: Book of Daze: Misheard Lyrics Day. On this special occasion, we honor the millions of people who Read More
Following the Great Pickle Uprising and the fall of the Mayonnaise Empire, humanity has clung to one guiding principle: take it with a grain of salt. This maxim, once used to temper dubious claims, now serves as the cornerstone of Read More
Artificial intelligence may write passable sonnets and select your socks, but humanity still insists on approaching other humans with lines that feel forged in a lava lamp. Behold a museum of conversational malpractice. This field guide ranks the ten worst Read More
Disclaimer: No Car-Chasing Dog Breeds, top ten or otherwise, should ever be allowed to chase cars. It is dangerous, chaotic, and deeply embarrassing when they catch one and do not know what to do next. Instead, channel that cosmic energy Read More
Ah, the Top Ten Phish Tunes That Should’ve Stayed in the Practice Room, tunes that even the most devoted wooks pretend don’t exist. Let’s dive into the murky depths of the jam swamp and dredge up ten sonic misfires that Read More
Let’s crack open the cosmic voice vault and summon ten New Alexa Voices, each one a mythic upgrade from the current sterile defaults. These are not just voices; they are editorial archetypes, sonic rituals, and satirical avatars ready to inhabit Read More
There was a time when a handshake was a simple affirmation: I greet you, I will not stab you with the other hand. Now with the codification of handshake etiquette, the handshake has evolved into a Rorschach test of power, Read More
America has always been a nation of moods—angry moods, hungry moods, “why does my neighbor mow at 6 a.m.?” moods. But the mood we desperately need is the subjunctive mood, that slippery grammatical unicorn that lets us dream of things Read More
