The tan, lightly sweated college student jogging up the leafy street did not change stride when the octogenarian blew pot smoke up her ass from the safety of his front porch, sixty feet away. “Damn,” she thought, “didn’t feel a thing. The old dude’s weed must be losing its potency.”
10:00 — Call class to order
10:02 — Call class to order, louder
10:04 — Caution students about cell phone use
10:06 — Activate cell phone blocker in top desk drawer
10:08 — Send first student complaining about connectivity to the disciplinarian
That’ll keep the bastards quiet for the period.
The only birthday cards that Edward received were from three creditors and his parole officer. “Why let other people’s preoccupations with their lives spoil the party?” he thought. He sent himself an anonymous e-mail, agreed to meet the sender for dinner, and wasn’t shy about sex on the first date.
Billy hated mimes. He loved poking fun at (shadowing) them until one day a vindictive mime replaced Billy’s shadow with a copy of his. After several embarrassing daylight incidents and a near arrest on obscenity charges, Billy began going out only at night. Soon he stopped going out at all.
His great joy had always been causing people to choke by saying something funny just as they were taking a sip of beverage. His wife guarded against this amusement, but one night he “got” her, and, indeed, she choked. Several days later, at her funeral, her brother waited, then.
Buddy’s fondness for irony mutated into a full-blown paradoxical reaction to life. Dandruff shampoo turned him into a blizzard with feet. Cough medication made him sputter. His deodorant smelled like road-kill. When he sought medical advice, his doctor said, “I’d avoid Beano, contraceptives, and hemorrhoid preparations if I were you.”
Is used to contrast expectations and reality. There are three main types of irony:
Situational, an expected outcome is turned 180 degrees.
Verbal, the speaker’s words do not match his intent. E.G., says one thing but means another.
A conservative is afraid that somebody, somewhere is having a good time without his approval. Conservatives don’t like anything to happen that hasn’t happened before. They want to take your money and give it to people richer than you are so they can buy expensive bottled water for their dogs.
Liberals can feel guilty without actually sinning. They yearn to change the national anthem to “Lift Every Voice and Sing.” They’ll take your money and give it to LGBTQ1A++, BLM, and other members of the alphabet mafia. Liberal women have dainty moustaches. Liberal men, pony tails and male pattern baldness.