flash fiction, satire, horoscopes, & more
“I’m tired of saying yes to every stinking loser with his putz in a wringer. So don’t write a check with your behavior that you can’t cash with your prayers,” Christ warned, speaking to reporters through a burning bush outside the Holy Tabernacle of the Flaming Tongues in Opp, Alabama.
“We’re encouraging customers to put their money where their mouths are, “said a Walmart executive in a muffled voice. “We’re betting CBD will succeed where mocha latte, pumpkin spice, and smoked salmon flavors failed to float Gen Z boats, as did a Megan Rapinoe model shaped like a soccer ball.”
AI-powered sex toys can learn what floats your boat.
AI plus virtual reality and augmented reality technologies equals “realistic,” can’t-tell-the-difference sexual experiences.
AI-powered earbuds help individuals to communicate their desires and talk dirty with their partners.
AI provides a safe, judgment-free, sanitary space for individuals to get their freak on.
Barack Obama, former Choom Gang member, told ESPN’s Michael Wilbon that he wishes his daughters had his street cred.
“They don’t hoop any more, they’ve got no roll in their stroll. Hell, they were into the Jonas Freaking Brothers. Some days I worry that they take after my white half.”
Charlie Myers from nearby Modena cannot understand why Facebook keeps suggesting women “with asses bigger than SUVs” as potential friends.
“Does Facebook think I’m Kanye West or what? Before sleeping with one of those hippos, you’d have to roll her in flour and try to find the wet spot.”
They wake up with crumbs in their butt.
The dog is cowering in the corner of the bedroom.
The steering wheel is sticky.
They find consent forms under their pillow.
A new batch of naked selfies on the iPhone.
They have a sudden urge to take themselves out to lunch.
“Trudeau to install tampon dispensers–in MEN’S bathrooms”
Justin Trudeau’s latest brainstorm: supply all bathrooms in federal public service departments, crown corporations, banks, airports, and train yards with menstrual products ‘regardless of their marked genders.’
These free products are taxpayer-funded.
Critics say thar men will bring them home to female partners.
According to the Vatican Times, only 3% know there are nine Choirs of Angels. Just 1% can distinguish between Seraphim and Cherubim. Virtually no one knows that lower Choirs of Angels need the Thrones to access God.
“Scientology isn’t any weirder,” said one communicant at St. John the Beheaded Church.
The attorney for Leonard Smith, caught fornicating with a stuffed animal in a parked white van, says that his client plans to sue Mattel, the maker of the poodle with whom Smith was apprehended.
“Mattel failed to put a warning label on the dog, which, Smith contends, ‘was very lifelike.'”
Garangadon, a evil-haired creature. Preys on immigrant children.
Swiftalator, usually male, haunts social media posing as a fourteen-year-old Swifty looking to hook up.
Mothman, glowing red eyes and enormous, greasy wings. Invades houses that have bug zappers.
Oakland Triangle, white people have disappeared there since the death of George Floyd.