Horoscopes January 2024

(X) Libra (9/23 – 10/23): Clothes and garden tools figure prominently in your future. Therefore, we recommend that you purchase our new book, The Seers’ Catalog. It contains dressing and cross-dressing advice and lawn-care techniques that wizards have used to gain wealth and prosperity for centuries. Better still, it contains discount coupons, a decoder ring, and easy-to-assemble 3-D glasses.

(X) Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21): Someone will come to your door this week dressed as Elon Musk, trying to sell you an electric garlic peeler. Failing that, he’ll try to sell you ginseng hair dye or his latest product, Interdenominational Hemorrhoid Salve. If he asks to use your bathroom, ask him if he carries Drano.

(X) Aries (3/21 – 4/19): A stranger will stop you in the mall and ask if you can change a twenty. This is a trick question. Don’t rifle through your billfold. Don’t rummage through your purse. Grab your left elbow instead, spin around once, and shout, “Into what, a toad, you jackass?” The stranger will then grant you three wishes. Beware, those have trick answers.

#Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): In a recurring (or is it reoccurring) dream, your adoptive (or is it adopted) child will insure (or is that ensure) your health and prosperity if you observe an upcoming festal (or it that festive) occasion–and if you finally learn the rules governing the use of that and which.

(X) Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): Lonely for company? Take a large-format Polaroid shot of the heavens at midnight on the summer solstice while lying on your back, then use a white marker to connect selected dots so that they resemble a guitar. Send the photo to a newspaper, claiming Elvis appeared to you in the sky, and he said he’s coming back. Relax and wait for the motor homes to start arriving.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): The price of crinoline futures suggests that now is the time to conquer your inability to execute an allemande left correctly. Buck up, crabchunk. You share a sign with Imelda Marcos, who knew something about feet. Besides, you’ve got to master the basics before you can progress to higher concepts like “cheating” with “visiting” partners.

#Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Your sun is in debt, your moon is in denial, but the planet Immodium will keep you from losing control as long as you don’t have the leftover Szechuan pork for lunch. Later this week fortune smiles on you, but it’s a Mona Lisa smile, and she may have a sharp object hidden under her dress. 

#Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): You become obsessed with scanning the bar codes from all your purchases into the computer. Convinced that the lines constitute a treasure map, you begin digging in the back yard, only to discover a horde of missing household objects buried there, including some prescription drugs. When you return to your house, you notice the dog is missing.

#Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): The embarrassing rash that kept you indoors most of December should be gone by now, and that problem with lingering incontinence should be much better, too. Life takes a turn for the paranoid, however, when you hear that the large surly guy who just moved in down the street is in the witness protection program.

(X)Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Dyslexia Major begins an extended passage through your moon’s ruling sauna this week. As a consequence, you may experience intermittent reading difficulties until the year 2026. Nevertheless, for reasons that we cannot reveal, you stand a good chance of being the first Aquarian born on an odd-numbered Thursday to become famous.  

(X) Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Your financial galaxy is threatened by spam rising in the house of come-ons this quarter. Do not open e-mail with the words opportunity, money, or a small African nation in the subject line. Do not visit websites that require proof of age before permitting you to log on. Avoid chat rooms sponsored by any business.

National Penultimnate Day

(Special to Women & Children Last from the Daily Lack of News)

Our culture is obsessed with going the extra mile, giving 110 percent, leaving it all on the field. Supermarkets are open 24/7/365 to satisfy our shopping needs from A-to-Z, while athletes routinely crow about taking their games “to a whole ‘nother level.” In the midst of this maelstrom, like the voice of one hand clapping in the wilderness, stands Phil Maggitti, founder and HMFIC of National Penultimate Day℠.


National THC Rules Day

The average American pick-up truck has gained 1,142 pounds since 1990. The average American, about the same. The average Phish tune, in concert, added nearly two minutes around its middle, and personal pizzas got 25 percent larger. Go big or go home: The 11th Commandment writ large.


Study Finds that Shadows Lead Lives of Quiet Desperation

According to a University of Chicago study–based on observations of 1,327 shadows in 37 states–shadows lead flat, unfulfilling lives. They do not exhibit characteristics of a satisfactory, meaningful existence. Those characteristics include a dynamic, positive self-image, a willingness to initiate social interactions, and the ability to change direction if necessary.

Your Football Team’s Uniforms Could Be Gay If …

♥Captains exchange air kisses with opponents’ captains.
♥Team enters the field on a runway.
♥Assless chaps.
♥Marabou-trimmed hand warmers.
♥Players first names on backs of jerseys.
♥Helmet decals replaced by Hello Kitty icons.
♥Accessorizing book is thicker than playbook.
♥School band plays club music.
♥Pink cleats on shoes.
♥Swarovski-encrusted gloves.

Boxing Day Once Again Fails to Lift America’s Skirts

Only 10% of Americans (down from 12% last year) answered one of the following correctly.

Boxing Day falls on . . . December 24, December 26,  the winter solstice.

Boxing Day began in . . . England, China, Spain.

What saint’s feast falls on Boxing Day? Nicholas, Elsewhere, Stephen.

You Can’t Satirize This Shit, #8

“Florida woman threatens to kill ex-boyfriend, new girlfriend if they didn’t have Christmas threesome with her”

Cynthia Ann Ray, 38, was arrested and charged with one count of aggravated stalking and other offenses. When deputies found Ray, she was inside a tent she had put up on her mother’s property.

National Old White Man App Day

Apple and Google are locked in a hair-pulling, eye-gouging, nut-smacking contest to see who can get to market first with a significant upgrade for the Old White Man (OWM) app, which was originally patterned after Grindr, a popular app that helps gay men to locate other gay men who are close enough to shake a dick at—or at least within a fifteen-mile radius.


BLM Blasts White Avatars

BLM’s D’Aryll Scott-Jones has called for a boycott of all websites “that allow white supremacists to hide behind blank avatars that “allow crackers to spew their venom while hiding in plain sight. They also allow racists to signal other racists. All they are missing is a white sheet and hood.”

A Picture Is Worth 50 Words, WTF?

Given this declaration, our AI program coughed up the accompanying photo (?) and the following text.

“They say a picture is worth 1,000 words, but 50 is sufficient to capture a moment. In a world filled with constant noise, a simple picture–a smile, a tear, a sunset– can speak nboserjbsmblers.”