Sordid Horoscopes

(X) Libra (9/23 – 10/23): Clothes and garden tools figure prominently in your future. Therefore, we recommend that you purchase our new book, The Seers’ Catalog. It contains dressing and cross-dressing advice and lawn-care techniques that wizards have used to gain wealth and prosperity for centuries. Better still, it contains discount coupons, a decoder ring, and easy-to-assemble 3-D glasses.

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National Penultimnate Day

(Special to Women & Children Last from the Daily Lack of News)

Our culture is obsessed with going the extra mile, giving 110 percent, leaving it all on the field. Supermarkets are open 24/7/365 to satisfy our shopping needs from A-to-Z, while athletes routinely crow about taking their games “to a whole ‘nother level.” In the midst of this maelstrom, like the voice of one hand clapping in the wilderness, stands Phil Maggitti, founder and HMFIC of National Penultimate Day℠.

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Study Finds that Shadows Lead Lives of Quiet Desperation

According to a University of Chicago study–based on observations of 1,327 shadows in 37 states–shadows lead flat, unfulfilling lives. They do not exhibit characteristics of a satisfactory, meaningful existence. Those characteristics include a dynamic, positive self-image, a willingness to initiate social interactions, and the ability to change direction if necessary.

Your Football Team’s Uniforms Could Be Gay If …

♥Captains exchange air kisses with opponents’ captains.
♥Team enters the field on a runway.
♥Assless chaps.
♥Marabou-trimmed hand warmers.
♥Players first names on backs of jerseys.
♥Helmet decals replaced by Hello Kitty icons.
♥Accessorizing book is thicker than playbook.
♥School band plays club music.
♥Pink cleats on shoes.
♥Swarovski-encrusted gloves.

You Can’t Satirize This Shit, #8

“Florida woman threatens to kill ex-boyfriend, new girlfriend if they didn’t have Christmas threesome with her”

Cynthia Ann Ray, 38, was arrested and charged with one count of aggravated stalking and other offenses. When deputies found Ray, she was inside a tent she had put up on her mother’s property.

National Old White Man App Day

Apple and Google are locked in a hair-pulling, eye-gouging, nut-smacking contest to see who can get to market first with a significant upgrade for the Old White Man (OWM) app, which was originally patterned after Grindr, a popular app that helps gay men to locate other gay men who are close enough to shake a dick at—or at least within a fifteen-mile radius.

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BLM Blasts White Avatars

BLM’s D’Aryll Scott-Jones has called for a boycott of all websites “that allow white supremacists to hide behind blank avatars that “allow crackers to spew their venom while hiding in plain sight. They also allow racists to signal other racists. All they are missing is a white sheet and hood.”

A Picture Is Worth 50 Words, WTF?

Given this declaration, our AI program coughed up the accompanying photo (?) and the following text.

“They say a picture is worth 1,000 words, but 50 is sufficient to capture a moment. In a world filled with constant noise, a simple picture–a smile, a tear, a sunset– can speak nboserjbsmblers.”