Apple and Google are locked in a hair-pulling, eye-gouging, nut-smacking contest to see who can get to market first with a significant upgrade for the Old White Man (OWM) app, which was originally patterned after Grindr, a popular app that helps gay men to locate other gay men who are close enough to shake a dick at—or at least within a fifteen-mile radius.

“If an old white guy wants to rant about today’s worthless college students or our ‘worthless’ president,” said a Silicon Valley source, “but his wife is sick of listening to him, he can use the OWM app to find another old fart to hook up with at McDonald’s.”

Despite the soaring popularity of the OWM app following its October 2015 release, neither Apple nor Google appeared in any hurry to provide software or firmware updates.

“To be honest,” said the source, “we were so convinced Hillary was going to win that we concentrated our R&D efforts on several lesbian-locator apps.

Nevertheless, both Apple and Google are now working on value-added and social media features for the OWM app that will rival Facebook’s, without the constant hectoring and biased, left-wing fact checkers. Encryption and VPN service sturdy enough to thwart the FBI, CIA, MPAA, RIAA, and MSNBC will be standard equipment on the OWM 2.0.

The app will be available, as before, in a free version that carries senior-targeted advertising and in a $2.99 model that does not. (You must be at least sixty to purchase either version.) The Apple OWM 2.0 will provide the user upon request a list of restaurants sorted by zipcode that offer senior citizen discounts and/or Blue Plate Specials.

Google meanwhile is working on a games suite with titles like Words with Patriots, Profiling the Neighbors, Hangman, and I Got Your Trigger Warming.

Despite whatever differences their final OWM apps contain, both Apple and Google promise their apps will be easy for old folks (even old folks in a sputtering rage) to operate.