Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Someone with the initials B.O., and a hideous birthmark in the  middle of her forehead, seeks spiritual advice. If the I Ching doesn’t provide it, do what all astrologers do when stumped: wave your arms, stand on one foot, and shout, “What the hell do you think I am, psychic?”

Libra (9/23 – 10/23): Clothes and garden tools figure prominently in your future. Therefore, we recommend that you purchase our new book, The Seers’ Catalog. It contains dressing and cross-dressing advice and lawn-care techniques that wizards have used to gain wealth and prosperity for centuries. Better still, it contains discount coupons, a decoder ring, and easy-to-assemble 3-D glasses.

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21): Someone will come to your door this week dressed as Elon Musk, trying to sell you a garlic supplement. Failing that, he’ll try to sell you ginseng hair dye or his latest product, Interdenominational Hemorrhoid Salve. Failing that, he’ll ask to use your bathroom. Don’t let him. He also hustles Bryan Kohburger’s Flush-It-Clean.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): A stranger will stop you in the mall and ask if you can change a twenty. This is a trick question. Don’t rifle through your billfold. Don’t rummage through your purse. Grab your left elbow instead, spin around once, and shout, “Into what, a toad, you jackass?” The stranger will then grant you three wishes. Beware, those have trick answers.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): In a recurring (or is it reoccurring) dream, your adoptive (or is it adopted) child will insure (or is that ensure) your health and prosperity if you observe an upcoming festal (or it that festive) occasion–and if you finally learn the rules governing the use of that and which.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): Lonely for company? Take a large-format Polaroid shot of the heavens at midnight on the summer solstice while lying on your back, then use a white marker to connect selected dots so that they resemble a guitar. Send the photo to a newspaper, claiming Elvis appeared to you in the sky, and he said he’s coming back. Relax and wait for the motor homes to start arriving.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): The price of crinoline futures suggests that now is the time to conquer your inability to execute an allemande left correctly. Buck up, crabchunk. You share a sign with Imelda Marcos, who knew something about feet. Besides, you’ve got to master the basics before you can progress to higher concepts like “cheating” with “visiting” partners.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Your sun is in debt, your moon is in denial, but the planet Immodium will keep you from losing control as long as you don’t have the leftover Szechuan pork for lunch. Later this week fortune smiles on you, but it’s a Mona Lisa smile, and she may have a sharp object hidden under her dress. 

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): You become obsessed with scanning the bar codes from all your purchases into the computer. Convinced that the lines constitute a treasure map, you begin digging in the back yard, only to discover a horde of missing household objects buried there, including some prescription drugs. When you return to your house, you notice the dog is missing.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): The embarrassing rash that kept you indoors most of December should be gone by now, and that problem with lingering incontinence should be much better, too. Life takes a turn for the paranoid, however, when you hear that the large surly guy who just moved in down the street is in the witness protection program.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Dyslexia Major begins an extended passage through your moon’s ruling sauna this week. As a consequence, you may experience intermittent reading difficulties until the year 2026. Nevertheless, for reasons that we cannot reveal, you stand a good chance of being the first Aquarian born on an odd-numbered Thursday to become famous.  

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Your financial galaxy is threatened by spam rising in the house of come-ons this quarter. Do not open e-mail with the words opportunity, money, or a small African nation in the subject line. Do not visit websites that require proof of age before permitting you to log on. Avoid chat rooms sponsored by any business.