Horoscopes November 2023

Virgo (08/23 – 09/22): A bolt of lightning from strikes the invisible-fence box on your cat’s collar. When the cat wakes up, she can read people’s minds. The heightened intensity this talent brings to watching television more than makes up for the knowledge that her owners spend most of their time thinking trivial thoughts.

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decimate, v, t

As anybody with a classical education knows, decimate does not mean to crush, annihilate, destroy, wipe out, or knock your opponent’s dick in the dirt.

In Latin, from whence it sprang, Skippy, it means “to kill one in every ten of a group as a punishment for the entire group.”

Deus Own Noctis

In the encyclical Deus Own Noctis (God Owns the Night), Pope Francis warned that Catholics “can not seek refuge in sleep” in order to enjoy illicit sexual activities.

“God sees you when you’re sleeping,” declared the 86-year-old pope. “Any activity forbidden to waking Catholics is forbidden to sleeping persons, too.”

pun, n

Wordplay exploiting different meanings of a word or differences between two words that sound alike but have different meanings.

“Owls are a real hoot.”

Often qualified by adding “no pun intended” or “pun intended.”

Don’t. If you didn’t intend a pun, choose another word. If you did, don’t advertise it.

Lizzo Sues Victoria’s Secret

Her $75,000,000 lawsuit hinges on a novel interpretation of the 14th Amendment, which, her lawyers claim, “confers protection” on pink-haired lesbians, 300-pound fatties, and all trannies.

Victoria’s Secret “caved into the patriarchy,” Lizzo declared.

“What? By featuring models that people actually want to look at?” said a Victoria’s Secret spokesperson.

BLM Activist Declares Gravity Is Racist

poster about gravity

BLM activist Jaleel X. Johnson-kendi, claims that gravity is a “white, heteronormative, non-cis-gender-affirming construct that disproportionally affects black people, especially young black men who don’t wear belts, “another symbol of the white man’s oppression.”

Gravity now joins math, lawns, classical music, saddle shoes, and being on time as “racist constructs.”