flash fiction, satire, horoscopes, & more
I can’t have been a prince. They’re all taken. Kings? Gone, too. Queens? I don’t see myself in a dress. Everyone talented, noble, heroic, charismatic, or enlightened has already been claimed. And why not? Being important in a previous life, is much easier than being a success in this one.
The winner of the $10,000 first prize in Tyson Farm’s 2023 What Does That Remind You Of Contest is Laura Roberts, 43, of Bear, Delaware, who claimed the prize after finding a three-inch-long, phallus-shaped chicken tender in a family value package of frozen tenders. Her winning answer, “My ex-husband–Chicken Little.”
Often confused with ironic by semi-literates. If you’re thinking about an old friend and you bump into that person somewhere, that’s not ironic, Skippy. It’s coincidental. If he says, “I’m going to Boston this weekend,” and you are, too, that’s still not ironic. Capisci? Click here for ironic’s true meaning.
WCL: Doesn’t it bother you to deprive a handicapped person of a parking space?
CHEAT: No, not really. There are always tons of other handicapped spaces going empty in most lots.
WCL: But what if there’s only one space left? Would you take that?
CHEAT: No, unless it was raining.
Taylor Swift–most often appears on gluten-free wheat toast
Joseph Biden–difficult to see because he always forgets to adjust the toaster
Willie Nelson–appears on untoasted bread if you’re really high
Queen Elizabeth II–popular among dementia sufferers, who often think she’s Betty White
You–thanks to the magic of the Selfie Toaster
The Lord God’s Intelligent-Designers team is 1-3 this season.
Hunter Biden, owner of the league-leading FamilyValues team, said that god, competing as DeAndre Danger, drafts too many marginal players only because they point to the sky after scoring a touchdown.
“He’d be winless but for that one Hail Mary play.”
He’s bitten Secret Service personnel eleven times. He’s in the Army now, and better off for it, says one observer.
“That dog was bred to do a real job, not act as an emotional support animal for a doddering old man who gets lost at the end of a leash.”
One afternoon when a friend was visiting, I told my ex-wife, “I’m going out drinking. If you’re here when I get back, I’ll kill you.”
Hours later my friend and I returned.
“You coming in?”
“Right. I’ll call tomorrow.”
When he called, I didn’t answer, just to mess with him.
“Hon, there’s something wrong with Alexa.”
“Oh, Susan’s given her a man’s name and voice.”
“So Alexa’s a male tranny now?
“I suppose so.”
“What are his pronouns?”
“Very funny, Jim.”
“Hold on. You think Susan’s trying to tell us something?”
“Well, she did ask about puberty blockers for it.”
Puppies, Free to Good Homes Home.
“Hurry, Dad, they’ll be gone.”
“No worries, Jason.”
Just then the front door opened. A young boy holding a puppy emerged with his parents, followed by the home owner, who lifted the sign out of the ground then carried it, and Jason’s dreams, away.