news, satire, horoscopes, & attitude
A local man from Modena cannot understand why Facebook keeps suggesting “users with gravitationally significant profiles” as potential friends. “Does Facebook think I’m some kind of celebrity romance magnet?” he said. “Before I’d even think about dating someone I just Read More
Two certain facts about the bible: animals were harmed during its production; cats are not mentioned in it. After shallow consideration, we offer three possible explanations for this oversight: Even god could not give man dominion over cats. Cats wanted script approval. Read More
They wake up with snack debris in places snacks should never migrate. The dog refuses to make eye contact and keeps pretending to read the mail. The car’s steering wheel has a suspiciously tacky film that was not there yesterday. Read More
Patrons of Almost Wagyu Steaks and Chops in Chicago were startled by a tintinnabulation and shrieks one evening. “Some damn fool took header on the stairs to the restrooms, again,” laughed one diner. “They really ought to put a warning Read More
“Trudeau to install tampon dispensers in every possible bathroom, including mens” In his latest brainstorm, Justin Trudeau announced that all facilities in federal public service departments, crown corporations, banks, airports, and train yards will be stocked with menstrual products, a Read More
She jabs her index finger at an app like she’s poking someone in the chest while she’s making a point in an argument. He lays his finger on an app gently, diffidently, as though he’s sorry to have to be Read More
According to the Vatican Times, only 3% know there are nine Choirs of Angels. Just 1% can distinguish between Seraphim and Cherubim. Virtually no one knows that lower Choirs need the Thrones to access God. “Honestly, compared to some belief Read More
Leonard Smith, discovered in a parked van sharing “an inappropriate moment” with a plush poodle, plans to sue the toy’s manufacturer. His attorney argues the lifelike dog lacked a warning label. Smith claims the realism was “misleading,” causing what he Read More
Garangadon, a snarling, bad-hair cryptid, lurks under playground slides. Swiftalator, eternally fourteen online, prowls social feeds. Mothman, grease-winged and glowing, enters homes with careless bug zappers. And the Oakland Triangle, a reputed vortex, has allegedly swallowed countless overconfident newcomers who Read More
Too many missing teeth. Disclaimer: No animals were harmed during the filming of these videos. Accepts Visa, MasterCard, and food stamps. The men all have names like Freddy Firehose or Dr. Cyclops. One-hour memberships available. Passwords limited to three characters, Read More