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Too many missing teeth.
Disclaimer: No animals were harmed during the filming of these videos.
Accepts Visa, MasterCard, and food stamps.
The men all have names like Freddy Firehose or Dr. Cyclops.
One-hour memberships available.
Passwords limited to three characters, one of which must be different from the other two.
WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–”Screw the pooch”—short for “man humps dog”— is an expression made popular in Tom Wolfe’s 1979 book about the Mercury space program, The Right Stuff. To screw the pooch is to commit a horribly wrong and embarrassing mistake, one from which there is no recovering. Predictably dogs hate the expression because . . .
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A small community in Iowa was outraged when two of its prominent members were “outed” in a revenge porn video. Their faces were blurry and only their first initials had been printed, still their neighbors retaliated by posting copycat videos of themselves and their dogs engaging in the same act.
“People are ‘resetting’ their virginity on New Year’s Day”
In perhaps the most surprising trend of the New Year, social media users claim that when the clock struck midnight, they became virgins again.
“All of our body counts have reset to zero,” rapper Lil Nas X tweeted on New Year’s.
(X) Libra (9/23 – 10/23): Clothes and garden tools figure prominently in your future. Therefore, we recommend that you purchase our new book, The Seers’ Catalog. It contains dressing and cross-dressing advice and lawn-care techniques that wizards have used to gain wealth and prosperity for centuries. Better still, it contains discount coupons, a decoder ring, and easy-to-assemble 3-D glasses.
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(Special to Women & Children Last from the Daily Lack of News)
Our culture is obsessed with going the extra mile, giving 110 percent, leaving it all on the field. Supermarkets are open 24/7/365 to satisfy our shopping needs from A-to-Z, while athletes routinely crow about taking their games “to a whole ‘nother level.” In the midst of this maelstrom, like the voice of one hand clapping in the wilderness, stands Phil Maggitti, founder and HMFIC of National Penultimate Day℠.
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The average American pick-up truck has gained 1,142 pounds since 1990. The average American, about the same. The average Phish tune, in concert, added nearly two minutes around its middle, and personal pizzas got 25 percent larger. Go big or go home: The 11th Commandment writ large.
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According to a University of Chicago study–based on observations of 1,327 shadows in 37 states–shadows lead flat, unfulfilling lives. They do not exhibit characteristics of a satisfactory, meaningful existence. Those characteristics include a dynamic, positive self-image, a willingness to initiate social interactions, and the ability to change direction if necessary.
♥Captains exchange air kisses with opponents’ captains.
♥Team enters the field on a runway.
♥Assless chaps.
♥Marabou-trimmed hand warmers.
♥Players first names on backs of jerseys.
♥Helmet decals replaced by Hello Kitty icons.
♥Accessorizing book is thicker than playbook.
♥School band plays club music.
♥Pink cleats on shoes.
♥Swarovski-encrusted gloves.
Only 10% of Americans (down from 12% last year) answered one of the following correctly.
Boxing Day falls on . . . December 24, December 26, the winter solstice.
Boxing Day began in . . . England, China, Spain.
What saint’s feast falls on Boxing Day? Nicholas, Elsewhere, Stephen.