Obama Regrets That His Daughters Lack His Street Cred
“They don’t hoop any more, they’ve got no roll in their stroll. Hell, they were into the Jonas Freaking Brothers. Some days I worry that they take after my white half.”
Author: philmaggitti
Nearby Man Puzzled by Facebook Friend Suggestions
Charlie Myers from nearby Modena cannot understand why Facebook keeps suggesting women “with asses bigger than SUVs” as potential friends.
“Does Facebook think I’m Kanye West or what? Before sleeping with one of those hippos, you’d have to roll her in flour and try to find the wet spot.”
Why Aren’t Cats Mentioned in the Bible?
Two certain facts about the bible: animals were harmed during its production; cats are not mentioned in it.
After shallow consideration, we offer three possible explanations for this oversight:
Even god could not give man dominion over cats.
Cats wanted script approval.
Cats have nine lives, god has only three.
How Gen-Z Can Tell If They’ve Had Sex
They wake up with crumbs in their butt.
The dog is cowering in the corner of the bedroom.
The steering wheel is sticky.
They find consent forms under their pillow.
A new batch of naked selfies on the iPhone.
They have a sudden urge to take themselves out to lunch.
Mind the Stairs
Patrons of Almost Wagyu Steaks and Chops in Chicago were startled by a tintinnabulation and shrieks one evening.
“Some damn fool took header on the stairs to the restrooms, again,” laughed one diner.
“They really ought to put a warning sign there,” his companion replied.
“How about ‘Stairway to Oops’?”
You Can’t Satirize This Shit, #10
“Trudeau to install tampon dispensers–in MEN’S bathrooms”
Justin Trudeau’s latest brainstorm: supply all bathrooms in federal public service departments, crown corporations, banks, airports, and train yards with menstrual products ‘regardless of their marked genders.’
These free products are taxpayer-funded.
Critics say thar men will bring them home to female partners.
Tapping Out
She jabs her index finger at an app like she’s poking someone in the chest while she’s making a point in an argument.
He lays his finger on an app gently, diffidently, as though he’s sorry to have to be the one who wakes it.
Can this marriage be saved?
OMG There’s a Patron Saint of Shorthand ISYN
If you’re STD (sick to death) of people who splatter their “writing” with SFS (stupid friggin’ shorthand), you can thank Saint Cassian of Imola, the OPS (official patron saint) of shorthand. Cassian, who lived in the fourth century CE (common era), was a schoolmaster at Imola in north-central Italy. He also moonlighted as the Bishop of Brescia, ICYDK, which sure beat moonlighting at the local donkey wash.
(more…)Catholics Pitifully Ignorant about Choirs of Angels
According to the Vatican Times, only 3% know there are nine Choirs of Angels. Just 1% can distinguish between Seraphim and Cherubim. Virtually no one knows that lower Choirs of Angels need the Thrones to access God.
“Scientology isn’t any weirder,” said one communicant at St. John the Beheaded Church.
Lawyer Says Stuffed Animal Seduced His Client
The attorney for Leonard Smith, caught fornicating with a stuffed animal in a parked white van, says that his client plans to sue Mattel, the maker of the poodle with whom Smith was apprehended.
“Mattel failed to put a warning label on the dog, which, Smith contends, ‘was very lifelike.'”