flash fiction, satire, horoscopes, & more
“Woman shot in butt after sliding into MRI machine with loaded firearm”
An unidentified Wisconsin woman was left with an extra pair of holes in her butt after she took a loaded firearm into an MRI machine during a doctor’s visit last June, according to Food and Drug Administration records.
Celiac disease affects 1 percent of normal Americans. When people with this inherited autoimmune disorder of the small intestine eat bread, pasta, muffins, or other foods containing gluten, their immune systems open up giant-economy-size cans of whup-ass on their persons. It isn’t pretty. It could be fatal. That’s why people with celiac follow diets completely free of gluten, a protein found in most grains.
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There are only two kinds of people in the world: those who go to restaurants that offer amuse-bouche and those who do not. For the sake of the uninitiated, an amuse-bouche (UH-mooz-boosh) is a single, bite-sized hors d’œuvre sent to your table compliments of the chef.
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When Jesus was brought before Pilate for trial, the latter offered to free Jesus if he could say “Arkei moi tyrannē, mēden eti mallon atimon” three times rapidly.
Jesus failed, changing the tongue twister’s meaning from “Enough for me, tyrant, nothing more dishonorable” to “Piss off, you camel-humping, maggot-ridden tyrant.”
“Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.” –Hector Berlioz
We are constantly told by lawyers, estate planners, the AARP, and other mountebanks that dying without a will is a thoughtless act of passive-aggressiveness toward our “loved” ones.
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“Taylor Swift Courses Will Be Offered at Harvard, UC Berkeley, University of Florida”
Roll over Will Shakespeare and tell John Milton the news. Seems like Taylor Swift “establishes complicated, changing relationships … to the idea of Americanness and to the idea of white Americanness,” blathered one female “diehard Swiftie” Harvard educator.
After receiving millions of letters that were obviously not written by youngsters (who generally don’t use terms like “plausible deniability”) Santa Claus declared he won’t read AI-generated correspondence.
Remember: He sees you when you paste an AI-generated stamp on your letter or when it begins “To whom it may concern.”
Although straws account for 0.025% of all plastic flowing into oceans, they are the virtue signal du jour for restaurateurs who replace them with paper models.
Fight back. Take plastic straws to restaurants, replace those paper models, then stick the latter to the underside of the table with chewing gum.
No dew claws. Microchipped. Loves being combed, sleeping in bed, and kissing.
Obviously somebody’s pet before you became an SPCA’s “property.” Shipped to another shelter 950 miles north, spayed, and photographed for their website.
Welcome, Penny. We are the last strangers on whose kindness you will ever have to depend.
“Transgender Activists Attack Feminists Holding Event for Women’s Rights.”
“We are in good spirits and remain undefeated,” wrote feminist author Lierre Keith from Portland, Oregon.
“A mob of ‘antifa’ men pepper sprayed, punched, and kicked us, and stole our phones. We were attempting to have an event about male violence.”