Women & Children Last

The only birthday cards that Edward received were from three creditors and his parole officer. “Why let other people’s preoccupations with their lives spoil the party?” he thought. He sent himself an anonymous e-mail, agreed to meet the sender for Read More

Billy hated mimes. He loved poking fun at (shadowing) them until one day a vindictive mime replaced Billy’s shadow with a copy of his. After several embarrassing daylight incidents and a near arrest on obscenity charges, Billy began going out Read More

Screen name Commander or Princess. Wants to meet in PetSmart. Measures height to shoulders. Asks how old you are in dog years. Thinks computer’s “pause” button is misspelled. Asks if you’re fixed. Avoids exchanging photos. Re-roofed summer house for $100. Read More

“Your face is like the blue screen of death.” “Sorry. I’ve encountered a fatal exception in my heart. You.” “We are an outdated operating system, incompatible with the future.” “You are the malware that corrupts my operating system.” “As of Read More

Postmodern philosophy is the mycelium from which the toxic fungi of skepticism, sarcasm, deconstructionism, ironic politeness, and self-aware apologies emerge. These are nourished by a distrust of grand narratives and a single-minded pursuit of power in human interactions. Postmodernism has Read More

Jeffrey, trying not to make a sound, stumbled into the sofa in the darkened living room. Suddenly a small dog started barking insanely. “Wait,” he thought, “we don’t have a dog.” Then a light and a woman facing him with a Read More

If ever you hear someone make this claim, change the subject fast; otherwise you’ll be sorry to learn that “spiritual” folks believe in some batshit notions–crystals, astrology, sweat lodges, yoga, Ouija boards, Tarot cards, the I Ching–that make the notion Read More

“Bless me father for I have sinned.” “And who hasn’t?” “It’s been four months since my last confession.” “Did you break a leg?” “Uh, no father …” “Is this going to take long?” “Well …” “Look, whatever you’ve done, I’ve Read More

The magazine’s brand new “Pot Mortem” column identifies those strains as: White Küntz (the umlaut didn’t fool anybody, Skippy); Bedhead OG (woke and broke); Pwr Bttm (lost its power when the band did); Tim Tebow Reserve (associated with knees lock Read More

“It’s never too late to begin healthy eating,” explained  prison dietician Dieter Volk. “A prisoner’s last meal should not constitute cruel and unusual punishment.” Henceforth, all last meals will be portion controlled, light, and synergistically balanced. “No one should eat Read More