On Churches and Cookies

a road sign pointing in five different directions

When his self became a fear he couldn’t outrun, he woke his wife, and they drove through the night to comfort him. In those dark hours, they passed closed churches and open cookie shops. Normally he would have said something clever about that fact, but now it only frightened him.

Microsoft Issues Patches to Sluggish Windows 11 Users

Microsoft has responded to complaints from Windows 11 users who reported feeling sluggish after installing recommended system upgrades.

Yesterday Microsoft released the first of six patches that will be distributed free to certified Windows 11 users by Microsoft-validated physicians who display the trusted “Windows 11 Capable” shield in their offices.

Snot Funny

lady choking on a glass of water

His great joy had always been causing people to choke by saying something funny just as they were taking a sip of beverage. His wife guarded against this amusement, but one night he “got” her, and, indeed, she choked. Several days later, at her funeral, her brother waited, then. 

Case Notes #97

yin-yang symbol

“Yin is passive, introverted—frequently weak. Yang is outgoing and opinionated. She’s happy to stay at home with a book and her cat. He likes to party.  Yin keeps their jaijitu (mighty circle) so cold that Yang, who is a real beach lover, constantly wears thick, heavy robes indoors.

“Prognostication poor.”

Liberal, n

Liberals can feel guilty without actually sinning. They yearn to change the national anthem to “Lift Every Voice and Sing.” They’ll take your money and give it to LGBTQ1A++, BLM, and other members of the alphabet mafia. Liberal women have dainty moustaches. Liberal men, pony tails and male pattern baldness.

How to Understand the Tao Te Ching Without Actually Reading It

The Tao Te Ching, a much venerated book of Chinese wisdom, has endured for more than 2,500 years despite the fact nobody has really figured out what it means yet. The last person who spoke the Chinese dialect in which the Tao was written died in a single-cart accident during the Three Sovereigns Around the Moon dynasty (345-287 BCE). (more…)

Birthday Boy

The only birthday cards that Edward received were from three creditors and his parole officer. “Why let other people’s preoccupations with their lives spoil the party?” he thought. He sent himself an anonymous e-mail, agreed to meet the sender for dinner, and wasn’t shy about sex on the first date.

The Shadow Knows

Billy hated mimes. He loved poking fun at (shadowing) them until one day a vindictive mime replaced Billy’s shadow with a copy of his. After several embarrassing daylight incidents and a near arrest on obscenity charges, Billy began going out only at night. Soon he stopped going out at all.

You Could Be Talking to a Dog in a Chatroom If

Screen name Commander or Princess.

Wants to meet in PetSmart.

Measures height to shoulders.

Asks how old you are in dog years.

Thinks computer’s “pause” button is misspelled.

Asks if you’re fixed.

Avoids exchanging photos.

Re-roofed summer house for $100.

Can’t understand fuss about quintuplets.

Too interested in e-mailman’s schedule.

Five Worst AI-generated Breakup Lines

“Your face is like the blue screen of death.”

“Sorry. I’ve encountered a fatal exception in my heart. You.”

“We are an outdated operating system, incompatible with the future.”

“You are the malware that corrupts my operating system.”

“As of today your program is no longer eligible for tech support.”