politics, satire, horoscopes, & more
I’m bad, god’s good. I’ll put the ball in his court. Then I’ll count the ways I’ve screwed up. Wow, I really am a turd. I should just let god be god and ask him for a reboot. Finally I’ll offer to apologize to everyone I’ve harmed, providing it’s safe.
Barack Hussein Obama, America’s putative first black president, is a man who knows how to sell a contradiction; but just as no man is a hero to his valet, Barack Hussein is no hero to his white half, who prefers to be known as Barry, the name that Barack Hussein preferred before he discovered his “existential blackness.”
(more…)
President Joseph R. Biden extended an unsteady hand to the gay, lesbian, and trans communities last night when he announced that he was going to sign an executive order authorizing the creation of a $3 bill.
(more…)
My married visitor arrived with a bottle of vodka and the scratch-and-sniff issue of Hustler.
“Here, tell me if that’s what it smells like.”
“Will it wash off?”
We smoked a joint.
Next morning she said, “I shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Conscience bothering you?”
“No. Smoking a joint. I’m pregnant.”
Brooklyn College Professor of Math Education Laurie Rubel proclaimed on Twitter that the mathematical equation 2+2=4 “reeks of white supremacist patriarchy. The idea that math (or data) is culturally neutral or in any way objective is a MYTH.”
(more…)
The preferred term for people who do not have children. Being child-free means never having to deal with stinking diapers, temper tantrums, smart-ass teenagers, or paying for college.
It means sleeping in on weekends, having uninterrupted conversations, and sex without making an appointment. Let’s spark a blunt to child-free living!
The two toes on a camel’s foot serve more than a decorative function. They are able to spread widely, when the occasion demands, in order to distribute the animal’s weight over as large a surface area as possible. This capability helps to prevent the camel from sinking into soft ground.
Following the Tom Brady roast, one reviewer proclaimed that Brady is “our ‘Jesus Christ’ in the war against political correctness.”
Jesus, you’ll recall, was the fly-as OG host and roast master at the world’s first roast, The Last Supper, where the tax collector, fishy hygiene, pedophile, and Is-Jesus-Gay jokes flew.
Thomas the Tank Engine has been sued for sexual harassment by Lady Jane Hatt and her granddaughter Bridgett, who charged that Thomas repeatedly thrust his engine at Lady Hatt suggestively—in addition to making lewd advances at young Bridgett. He also left a thin line of grease on a Coke can.
Three Amish youth–Jacob, Lucas, and Martin Stolzfus–died when the vape pen they had rigged with propane so they could smoke marijuana concentrate exploded.
Retrofitting electric devices from washing machines to dildos so they run on propane is common in Amish communities, where the “pro” in iPad Pro stands for “propane.”