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“Careful, Hon, that plate’s hot,” the waitress said.
“Not as hot as I am,” he snickered.
His wife rolled her eyes.
“What, you don’t think I’m hot?”
“Your brother’s hotter.”
“Can I get youse anything else?” the waitress asked.
“A towel,” he replied, tossing his drink into his wife’s face.
WCL: Megan Rapinoe, USWNT soccer player, said that her getting injured early in the final match of her career is “proof” that God doesn’t exist.
GOD: Au contraire. That pink-haired freak suffers from anal-cranial inversion. Whom does she think caused her to choke that penalty kick in the World Cup?
The iPhone 15 carries a Fecal Finder™ app that detects fecal material as tiny as 1 part per 100,000,000.
Some people check their email and texts while on the crapper; and if their left hand doesn’t know what their right hand is doing, their phone soon smells like their ass.
These will include a cell phone blocker that can be set to activate whenever a cell phone rings within 50 feet; a prostate checker that sends a warning text whenever a prostate reading is elevated; a digital coupon good for 10% off at all McDonald’s; and a gray-panther pussy finder.
This year’s inductees are:
Kate Bush, dour folkie singer-songwriter.
Sheryl Crow, “5th Greatest Alternative Artist of all time” (Billboard).
Missy Elliott, cranky, overbearing, white-folk-hating rapper.
George Michael, legit
Willie Nelson, WTF?!?!
Rage Against the Machine, “blends” heavy metal, rap, punk, funk, and socialism.
The Spinners, lame, high-stepping Motown R&B/soul group
People tie yellow ribbons around your old oak tree–but you aren’t missing.
Objects in your rear view mirror are going faster than they appear to be.
Your computer keeps changing your passwords.
Telemarketers hang up on you when you answer the phone.
Your shadow tries to follow other people home
Author Rowan Knox, FKA Amanda Jette Knox, announced that he is now a trans man.
Knox had previously made headlines after his wife, who had been his husband for 19 years, came out as a trans woman
The couple are now in a polyamorous relationship with a fellow trans couple.
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Love Actually, the Christmas classic, has been remade into a more diverse, inclusive, and equitable film.
Called Kawanzaa Actually, the remake features LGBTQIA++ folks and people of color.
“They get drunk and do silly things at Christmas, too,” said writer-director Richard Curtis.
“No longer is Christmas a white supremacist celebration.”
Quis scit? Foreskin relics appeared in numerous churches during the Middle Ages, sometimes simultaneously.
The Vatican eventually forbade anyone from discussing circumcision and removed its feast day from the church calendar. Nonetheless, a foreskin relic was stolen in Italy in 1984. Another was deemed fraudulent on Cash in the Attic.