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It’s called Hackney Diamonds, and most critics are doing #3 in their pants, saying it’s the Stones best work in forty years.
“This band has never sounded more alive,” crowed The Guardian.
Others point out, however, that “even corpses are capable of twitching and emmitting sounds after they have died.”
Joran van der Sloot assured Natalee Holloway’s parents that their daughter, legally dead since 2012, is still, in fact, dead today. The assurance was part of a plea deal in which van der Sloot admitted to extorting $25,000 from Holloway’s mother for information about her daughter that he never delivered.
Dereck Lucas, 33, of near-by Fallowfield says he found the needle while “on a hay ride.” Lucas’ fiance, Myrna Stubblefield, was not thrilled with this discovery.
“He actually believes there’s a needle in every haystack. I’ll never convince him otherwise now.”
Lucas, meanwhile, peeled off his magnetized gloves and snickered.
I can’t have been a prince. They’re all taken. Kings? Gone, too. Queens? I don’t see myself in a dress. Everyone talented, noble, heroic, charismatic, or enlightened has already been claimed. And why not? Being important in a previous life, is much easier than being a success in this one.
The winner of the $10,000 first prize in Tyson Farm’s 2023 What Does That Remind You Of Contest is Laura Roberts, 43, of Bear, Delaware, who claimed the prize after finding a three-inch-long, phallus-shaped chicken tender in a family value package of frozen tenders. Her winning answer, “My ex-husband–Chicken Little.”
WCL: Doesn’t it bother you to deprive a handicapped person of a parking space?
CHEAT: No, not really. There are always tons of other handicapped spaces going empty in most lots.
WCL: But what if there’s only one space left? Would you take that?
CHEAT: No, unless it was raining.
Taylor Swift–most often appears on gluten-free wheat toast
Joseph Biden–difficult to see because he always forgets to adjust the toaster
Willie Nelson–appears on untoasted bread if you’re really high
Queen Elizabeth II–popular among dementia sufferers, who often think she’s Betty White
You–thanks to the magic of the Selfie Toaster
The Lord God’s Intelligent-Designers team is 1-3 this season.
Hunter Biden, owner of the league-leading FamilyValues team, said that god, competing as DeAndre Danger, drafts too many marginal players only because they point to the sky after scoring a touchdown.
“He’d be winless but for that one Hail Mary play.”
He’s bitten Secret Service personnel eleven times. He’s in the Army now, and better off for it, says one observer.
“That dog was bred to do a real job, not act as an emotional support animal for a doddering old man who gets lost at the end of a leash.”
One afternoon when a friend was visiting, I told my ex-wife, “I’m going out drinking. If you’re here when I get back, I’ll kill you.”
Hours later my friend and I returned.
“You coming in?”
“Right. I’ll call tomorrow.”
When he called, I didn’t answer, just to mess with him.