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Barack Obama, former Choom Gang member, told ESPN’s Michael Wilbon that he wishes his daughters had his street cred.
“They don’t hoop any more, they’ve got no roll in their stroll. Hell, they were into the Jonas Freaking Brothers. Some days I worry that they take after my white half.”
Charlie Myers from nearby Modena cannot understand why Facebook keeps suggesting women “with asses bigger than SUVs” as potential friends.
“Does Facebook think I’m Kanye West or what? Before sleeping with one of those hippos, you’d have to roll her in flour and try to find the wet spot.”
Two certain facts about the bible: animals were harmed during its production; cats are not mentioned in it.
After shallow consideration, we offer three possible explanations for this oversight:
Even god could not give man dominion over cats.
Cats wanted script approval.
Cats have nine lives, god has only three.
They wake up with crumbs in their butt.
The dog is cowering in the corner of the bedroom.
The steering wheel is sticky.
They find consent forms under their pillow.
A new batch of naked selfies on the iPhone.
They have a sudden urge to take themselves out to lunch.
Patrons of Almost Wagyu Steaks and Chops in Chicago were startled by a tintinnabulation and shrieks one evening.
“Some damn fool took header on the stairs to the restrooms, again,” laughed one diner.
“They really ought to put a warning sign there,” his companion replied.
“How about ‘Stairway to Oops’?”
“Trudeau to install tampon dispensers–in MEN’S bathrooms”
Justin Trudeau’s latest brainstorm: supply all bathrooms in federal public service departments, crown corporations, banks, airports, and train yards with menstrual products ‘regardless of their marked genders.’
These free products are taxpayer-funded.
Critics say thar men will bring them home to female partners.
She jabs her index finger at an app like she’s poking someone in the chest while she’s making a point in an argument.
He lays his finger on an app gently, diffidently, as though he’s sorry to have to be the one who wakes it.
Can this marriage be saved?
According to the Vatican Times, only 3% know there are nine Choirs of Angels. Just 1% can distinguish between Seraphim and Cherubim. Virtually no one knows that lower Choirs of Angels need the Thrones to access God.
“Scientology isn’t any weirder,” said one communicant at St. John the Beheaded Church.
The attorney for Leonard Smith, caught fornicating with a stuffed animal in a parked white van, says that his client plans to sue Mattel, the maker of the poodle with whom Smith was apprehended.
“Mattel failed to put a warning label on the dog, which, Smith contends, ‘was very lifelike.'”