politics, satire, horoscopes, & more
Patrons of Almost Wagyu Steaks and Chops in Chicago were startled by a tintinnabulation and shrieks one evening.
“Some damn fool took header on the stairs to the restrooms, again,” laughed one diner.
“They really ought to put a warning sign there,” his companion replied.
“How about ‘Stairway to Oops’?”
“Trudeau to install tampon dispensers–in MEN’S bathrooms”
Justin Trudeau’s latest brainstorm: supply all bathrooms in federal public service departments, crown corporations, banks, airports, and train yards with menstrual products ‘regardless of their marked genders.’
These free products are taxpayer-funded.
Critics say thar men will bring them home to female partners.
She jabs her index finger at an app like she’s poking someone in the chest while she’s making a point in an argument.
He lays his finger on an app gently, diffidently, as though he’s sorry to have to be the one who wakes it.
Can this marriage be saved?
According to the Vatican Times, only 3% know there are nine Choirs of Angels. Just 1% can distinguish between Seraphim and Cherubim. Virtually no one knows that lower Choirs of Angels need the Thrones to access God.
“Scientology isn’t any weirder,” said one communicant at St. John the Beheaded Church.
The attorney for Leonard Smith, caught fornicating with a stuffed animal in a parked white van, says that his client plans to sue Mattel, the maker of the poodle with whom Smith was apprehended.
“Mattel failed to put a warning label on the dog, which, Smith contends, ‘was very lifelike.'”
Garangadon, a evil-haired creature. Preys on immigrant children.
Swiftalator, usually male, haunts social media posing as a fourteen-year-old Swifty looking to hook up.
Mothman, glowing red eyes and enormous, greasy wings. Invades houses that have bug zappers.
Oakland Triangle, white people have disappeared there since the death of George Floyd.
Too many missing teeth.
Disclaimer: No animals were harmed during the filming of these videos.
Accepts Visa, MasterCard, and food stamps.
The men all have names like Freddy Firehose or Dr. Cyclops.
One-hour memberships available.
Passwords limited to three characters, one of which must be different from the other two.
A small community in Iowa was outraged when two of its prominent members were “outed” in a revenge porn video. Their faces were blurry and only their first initials had been printed, still their neighbors retaliated by posting copycat videos of themselves and their dogs engaging in the same act.
“People are ‘resetting’ their virginity on New Year’s Day”
In perhaps the most surprising trend of the New Year, social media users claim that when the clock struck midnight, they became virgins again.
“All of our body counts have reset to zero,” rapper Lil Nas X tweeted on New Year’s.
According to a University of Chicago study–based on observations of 1,327 shadows in 37 states–shadows lead flat, unfulfilling lives. They do not exhibit characteristics of a satisfactory, meaningful existence. Those characteristics include a dynamic, positive self-image, a willingness to initiate social interactions, and the ability to change direction if necessary.