Lesson Plan for Substitute Language Arts Teacher

10:00 — Call class to order

10:02 — Call class to order, louder

10:04 — Caution students about cell phone use

10:06 — Activate cell  phone blocker in top desk drawer

10:08 — Send first student complaining about connectivity to the disciplinarian

That’ll keep the bastards quiet for the period.


Buddy’s fondness for irony mutated into a full-blown paradoxical reaction to life. Dandruff shampoo turned him into a blizzard with feet. Cough medication made him sputter. His deodorant smelled like road-kill. When he sought medical advice, his doctor said, “I’d avoid Beano, contraceptives, and hemorrhoid preparations if I were you.”