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“I’m tired of saying yes to every stinking loser with his putz in a wringer. So don’t write a check with your behavior that you can’t cash with your prayers,” Christ warned, speaking to reporters through a burning bush outside the Holy Tabernacle of the Flaming Tongues in Opp, Alabama.
Flush with anticipation, Vicky opened the door to greet her date, whom a friend had set her up with.
There stood one pitiful, butt-ugly man.
Chiding herself for being disappointed and shallow, Vicky determined to make the most of the evening, only to discover he had a personality to match.
Rob meets Angela for lunch. Each is secretely planning to confess to recent infidelities. When Rob begins to speak, Angela interrupts him.
“Robbie, there’s something I’ve got to tell you.”
“You’re pregnant,” he says nervously.
“No,” she laughs, beginning to lose her nerve. “What did you want to tell me.”
A godlike presence whose eyes stare in judgement on a sinful world.
A near-sighted sumbitch who doesn’t see eye-to-eye with anybody.
A minor character with a non-speaking role in The Great Gatsby.
A faded, weather-beaten occultist’s sign on a desolate road to nowhere.
Maybe some, maybe none, of the above.
“We’re encouraging customers to put their money where their mouths are, “said a Walmart executive in a muffled voice. “We’re betting CBD will succeed where mocha latte, pumpkin spice, and smoked salmon flavors failed to float Gen Z boats, as did a Megan Rapinoe model shaped like a soccer ball.”
AI-powered sex toys can learn what floats your boat.
AI plus virtual reality and augmented reality technologies equals “realistic,” can’t-tell-the-difference sexual experiences.
AI-powered earbuds help individuals to communicate their desires and talk dirty with their partners.
AI provides a safe, judgment-free, sanitary space for individuals to get their freak on.
Barack Obama, former Choom Gang member, told ESPN’s Michael Wilbon that he wishes his daughters had his street cred.
“They don’t hoop any more, they’ve got no roll in their stroll. Hell, they were into the Jonas Freaking Brothers. Some days I worry that they take after my white half.”
Charlie Myers from nearby Modena cannot understand why Facebook keeps suggesting women “with asses bigger than SUVs” as potential friends.
“Does Facebook think I’m Kanye West or what? Before sleeping with one of those hippos, you’d have to roll her in flour and try to find the wet spot.”
Two certain facts about the bible: animals were harmed during its production; cats are not mentioned in it.
After shallow consideration, we offer three possible explanations for this oversight:
Even god could not give man dominion over cats.
Cats wanted script approval.
Cats have nine lives, god has only three.
They wake up with crumbs in their butt.
The dog is cowering in the corner of the bedroom.
The steering wheel is sticky.
They find consent forms under their pillow.
A new batch of naked selfies on the iPhone.
They have a sudden urge to take themselves out to lunch.