Table for Two

Rob meets Angela for lunch. Each is secretely planning to confess to recent infidelities. When Rob begins to speak, Angela interrupts him.

“Robbie, there’s something I’ve got to tell you.”

“You’re pregnant,” he says nervously.

“No,” she laughs, beginning to lose her nerve. “What did you want to tell me.”

Who Is T.J. Eckleburg?

A godlike presence whose eyes stare in judgement on a sinful world.

A near-sighted sumbitch who doesn’t see eye-to-eye with anybody.

A minor character with a non-speaking role in The Great Gatsby.

A faded, weather-beaten occultist’s sign on a desolate road to nowhere.

Maybe some, maybe none, of the above.

Why Aren’t Cats Mentioned in the Bible?

Two certain facts about the bible: animals were harmed during its production; cats are not mentioned in it.

After shallow consideration, we offer three possible explanations for this oversight:

  Even god could not give man dominion over cats.

  Cats wanted script approval.

  Cats have nine lives, god has only three.

Mind the Stairs

Patrons of Almost Wagyu Steaks and Chops in Chicago were startled by a tintinnabulation and shrieks one evening.

“Some damn fool took header on the stairs to the restrooms, again,” laughed one diner.

“They really ought to put a warning sign there,” his companion replied.

“How about ‘Stairway to Oops’?”

Tapping Out

She jabs her index finger at an app like she’s poking someone in the chest while she’s making a point in an argument.

He lays his finger on an app gently, diffidently, as though he’s sorry to have to be the one who wakes it.

Can this marriage be saved?

When in Iowa

A small community in Iowa was outraged when two of its prominent members were “outed” in a revenge porn video. Their faces were blurry and only their first initials had been printed, still their neighbors retaliated by posting copycat videos of themselves and their dogs engaging in the same act.

You Can’t Satirize This Shit, #9

“People are ‘resetting’ their virginity on New Year’s Day”

In perhaps the most surprising trend of the New Year, social media users claim that when the clock struck midnight, they became virgins again.

“All of our body counts have reset to zero,” rapper Lil Nas X tweeted on New Year’s.

Study Finds that Shadows Lead Lives of Quiet Desperation

According to a University of Chicago study–based on observations of 1,327 shadows in 37 states–shadows lead flat, unfulfilling lives. They do not exhibit characteristics of a satisfactory, meaningful existence. Those characteristics include a dynamic, positive self-image, a willingness to initiate social interactions, and the ability to change direction if necessary.

You Can’t Satirize This Shit, #8

“Florida woman threatens to kill ex-boyfriend, new girlfriend if they didn’t have Christmas threesome with her”

Cynthia Ann Ray, 38, was arrested and charged with one count of aggravated stalking and other offenses. When deputies found Ray, she was inside a tent she had put up on her mother’s property.

A Picture Is Worth 50 Words, WTF?

Given this declaration, our AI program coughed up the accompanying photo (?) and the following text.

“They say a picture is worth 1,000 words, but 50 is sufficient to capture a moment. In a world filled with constant noise, a simple picture–a smile, a tear, a sunset– can speak nboserjbsmblers.”