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The old honky-tonk pulsed with twanging guitars and boot-stomping rhythms. Sarah leaned against the bar, heart wide open, singing every word. Around her, strangers clapped and hollered—bound together by a song about heartbreak and pickup trucks. For country fans, it wasn’t just music. It was home. It was family.
As Cinderella twirls at the ball, the clock strikes midnight. She hurries away, leaving behind her glass slipper. When the prince finds it, he discovers it’s enchanted. He puts it on and is transformed into Cinderella. Suddenly the fairy godmother appears, laughing: “I granted your wish, Prince—now you’re her forever!”
A concussion leaves Guido unable to speak in the past tense. One day a sinister-looking man in a pizzeria hears him say, “I get the stromboli when I’m here last week.”
The man, a local mobster, thinks Guido is in witness protection. When Guido leaves the store, the man follows.
Microsoft has responded to complaints from Windows 11 users who reported feeling sluggish after installing recommended system upgrades. Yesterday Microsoft released the first of six patches that will be distributed free to certified Windows 11 users by Microsoft-validated physicians who display the trusted “Windows 11 Capable” shield in their offices.
Buddy’s fondness for irony mutated into a full-blown paradoxical reaction to life. Dandruff shampoo turned him into a blizzard with feet. Cough medication made him sputter. His deodorant smelled like road-kill. When he sought medical advice, his doctor said, “I’d avoid Beano, contraceptives, and hemorrhoid preparations if I were you.”
A Canadian couple was eaten by a bear recently despite “shooting” her with a full can of BearScat, “the world’s most effective bear repellent.” Stung by criticism from outraged Redditors, the company has introduced BearScatPro. Each giant-economy-sized can includes a coupon for 20% off any Smith & Wesson hand gun.
I’m bad, god’s good. I’ll put the ball in his court. Then I’ll count the ways I’ve screwed up. Wow, I really am a turd. I should just let god be god and ask him for a reboot. Finally I’ll offer to apologize to everyone I’ve harmed, providing it’s safe.
My married visitor arrived with a bottle of vodka and the scratch-and-sniff issue of Hustler.
“Here, tell me if that’s what it smells like.”
“Will it wash off?”
We smoked a joint.
Next morning she said, “I shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Conscience bothering you?”
“No. Smoking a joint. I’m pregnant.”
Following the Tom Brady roast, one reviewer proclaimed that Brady is “our ‘Jesus Christ’ in the war against political correctness.”
Jesus, you’ll recall, was the fly-as OG host and roast master at the world’s first roast, The Last Supper, where the tax collector, fishy hygiene, pedophile, and Is-Jesus-Gay jokes flew.
Thomas the Tank Engine has been sued for sexual harassment by Lady Jane Hatt and her granddaughter Bridgett, who charged that Thomas repeatedly thrust his engine at Lady Hatt suggestively—in addition to making lewd advances at young Bridgett. He also left a thin line of grease on a Coke can.