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A concussion leaves Guido unable to speak in the past tense. One day a sinister-looking man in a pizzeria hears him say, “I get the stromboli when I’m here last week.”
The man, a local mobster, thinks Guido is in witness protection. When Guido leaves the store, the man follows.
Microsoft has responded to complaints from Windows 11 users who reported feeling sluggish after installing recommended system upgrades. Yesterday Microsoft released the first of six patches that will be distributed free to certified Windows 11 users by Microsoft-validated physicians who display the trusted “Windows 11 Capable” shield in their offices.
Buddy’s fondness for irony mutated into a full-blown paradoxical reaction to life. Dandruff shampoo turned him into a blizzard with feet. Cough medication made him sputter. His deodorant smelled like road-kill. When he sought medical advice, his doctor said, “I’d avoid Beano, contraceptives, and hemorrhoid preparations if I were you.”
A Canadian couple was eaten by a bear recently despite “shooting” her with a full can of BearScat, “the world’s most effective bear repellent.” Stung by criticism from outraged Redditors, the company has introduced BearScatPro. Each giant-economy-sized can includes a coupon for 20% off any Smith & Wesson hand gun.
I’m bad, god’s good. I’ll put the ball in his court. Then I’ll count the ways I’ve screwed up. Wow, I really am a turd. I should just let god be god and ask him for a reboot. Finally I’ll offer to apologize to everyone I’ve harmed, providing it’s safe.
My married visitor arrived with a bottle of vodka and the scratch-and-sniff issue of Hustler.
“Here, tell me if that’s what it smells like.”
“Will it wash off?”
We smoked a joint.
Next morning she said, “I shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Conscience bothering you?”
“No. Smoking a joint. I’m pregnant.”
Following the Tom Brady roast, one reviewer proclaimed that Brady is “our ‘Jesus Christ’ in the war against political correctness.”
Jesus, you’ll recall, was the fly-as OG host and roast master at the world’s first roast, The Last Supper, where the tax collector, fishy hygiene, pedophile, and Is-Jesus-Gay jokes flew.
Thomas the Tank Engine has been sued for sexual harassment by Lady Jane Hatt and her granddaughter Bridgett, who charged that Thomas repeatedly thrust his engine at Lady Hatt suggestively—in addition to making lewd advances at young Bridgett. He also left a thin line of grease on a Coke can.
Three Amish youth–Jacob, Lucas, and Martin Stolzfus–died when the vape pen they had rigged with propane so they could smoke marijuana concentrate exploded.
Retrofitting electric devices from washing machines to dildos so they run on propane is common in Amish communities, where the “pro” in iPad Pro stands for “propane.”
When his self became a fear he couldn’t outrun, he woke his wife, and they drove through the night to comfort him. In those dark hours, they passed closed churches and open cookie shops. Normally he would have said something clever about that fact, but now it only frightened him.