politics, satire, horoscopes, & more
Only 10% of Americans (down from 12% last year) answered one of the following correctly.
Boxing Day falls on . . . December 24, December 26, the winter solstice.
Boxing Day began in . . . England, China, Spain.
What saint’s feast falls on Boxing Day? Nicholas, Elsewhere, Stephen.
“Florida woman threatens to kill ex-boyfriend, new girlfriend if they didn’t have Christmas threesome with her”
Cynthia Ann Ray, 38, was arrested and charged with one count of aggravated stalking and other offenses. When deputies found Ray, she was inside a tent she had put up on her mother’s property.
Apple and Google are locked in a hair-pulling, eye-gouging, nut-smacking contest to see who can get to market first with a significant upgrade for the Old White Man (OWM) app, which was originally patterned after Grindr, a popular app that helps gay men to locate other gay men who are close enough to shake a dick at—or at least within a fifteen-mile radius.
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BLM’s D’Aryll Scott-Jones has called for a boycott of all websites “that allow white supremacists to hide behind blank avatars that “allow crackers to spew their venom while hiding in plain sight. They also allow racists to signal other racists. All they are missing is a white sheet and hood.”
Given this declaration, our AI program coughed up the accompanying photo (?) and the following text.
“They say a picture is worth 1,000 words, but 50 is sufficient to capture a moment. In a world filled with constant noise, a simple picture–a smile, a tear, a sunset– can speak nboserjbsmblers.”
“Naked Man Found Atop Headless Mom in Jersey Shore Apartment.” Jeffrey D. Surgent, 46, had first called 911 to report his crime before assuming the position. As he was being taken into custody, he screamed that he was sorry for what he had done. He also sang “Jesus Loves Me.”
After being sued by thousands of women who allege that its hair-straightening products caused them irreparable harm and serious injury, including sterility, Revlon has offered its accusers an olive branch.
“By next fiscal year,” said Revlon, “our hair straighteners will carry warning labels advising against their use on pubic hair.”
WEST GOSHEN TWP., PA–We take no small measure of joy in knowing there are people in the world quietly going about undoing the work done by others in god’s name. The Universal Brotherhood of the Confrontational Atheist (UBCA) is one such group. We honor them by pausing to observe National Unbaptize the Dead Day.
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A housewife tired of cooking for her large family without any thanks, opened a pop-up restaurant in the family’s garage. It became so popular that her husband and children had to wait online to get their meals.
“That’ll teach them to be on time for dinner,” she laughed to herself.
Tim Berners-Lee, father of the world wide web, admitted that he misspelled “world wide” as one word when he created the web.
“If I could ‘fix’ anything about the web, the spelling of “worldwide” would be it. Sadly I wrote the web code when spelling checkers weren’t so very accurate.”