St. Theneva, Patron Saint of Breast Reductions

Saint Theneva of Glasgow was a British princess who enjoyed the horizontal sports from an early age. Her fondness for frolic was something of an embarrassment to her father, Lord Seefeth, who was planning to invade England and sought the favor of god in that enterprise.

Discovering that Theneva had conceived out of wedlock, Seefeth ordered that she be thrown over a cliff, naked, before god could find out.

Theneva landed unharmed at the bottom of the cliff—it is said that her truly impressive bosom broke her fall and that, indeed, she bounced when she landed. Seefeth then ordered that Theneva be set adrift in a boat on the Firth of Forth.

“She’s up shit creek without a paddle for sure,” he declared, certain that his daughter would die at sea; but God, who works in mysterious ways, kept her alive and provided her with an ermine cloak and a miraculous, though somewhat puzzling, breast reduction, considering that St. Theneva’s breasts had saved her life.

Theneva, who was able to see her feet for the first time since she was twelve, landed eventually at Culross, where she was sheltered by Saint Serf, a blind shepherd who played sacred music on the flute.

Theneva soon gave birth to Saint Kentigern, named Mungo (“darling”) by his foster-father, Serf, who was tormented nightly by erotic dreams of a full-breasted Theneva. Mungo later became the patron saint of one-hit wonders such as the group Mungo Jerry, whose seventies hit “In the Summertime” is virtually impossible to get out of your head once it’s gained a purchase there.

More than a century after St. Theneva had died, the Firth of Forth Bridge opened on the anniversary of her death, and it has opened every year on that date thereafter. Women with huge breasts wade topless in the water of the Firt, hoping for a miracle. They believe the bridge opening represents St. Theneva raising her arms to god. Local wags insist, however, that it’s merely Ol’ Theneva lifting her legs heavenward as she often did in her youth.