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Buddy’s fondness for irony mutated into a full-blown paradoxical reaction to life. Dandruff shampoo turned him into a blizzard with feet. Cough medication made him sputter. His deodorant smelled like road-kill. When he sought medical advice, his doctor said, “I’d avoid Beano, contraceptives, and hemorrhoid preparations if I were you.”
A Canadian couple was eaten by a bear recently despite “shooting” her with a full can of BearScat, “the world’s most effective bear repellent.” Stung by criticism from outraged Redditors, the company has introduced BearScatPro. Each giant-economy-sized can includes a coupon for 20% off any Smith & Wesson hand gun.
I’m bad, god’s good. I’ll put the ball in his court. Then I’ll count the ways I’ve screwed up. Wow, I really am a turd. I should just let god be god and ask him for a reboot. Finally I’ll offer to apologize to everyone I’ve harmed, providing it’s safe.
Barack Hussein Obama, America’s putative first black president, is a man who knows how to sell a contradiction; but just as no man is a hero to his valet, Barack Hussein is no hero to his white half, who prefers to be known as Barry, the name that Barack Hussein preferred before he discovered his “existential blackness.”
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President Joseph R. Biden extended an unsteady hand to the gay, lesbian, and trans communities last night when he announced that he was going to sign an executive order authorizing the creation of a $3 bill.
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My married visitor arrived with a bottle of vodka and the scratch-and-sniff issue of Hustler.
“Here, tell me if that’s what it smells like.”
“Will it wash off?”
We smoked a joint.
Next morning she said, “I shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Conscience bothering you?”
“No. Smoking a joint. I’m pregnant.”
Brooklyn College Professor of Math Education Laurie Rubel proclaimed on Twitter that the mathematical equation 2+2=4 “reeks of white supremacist patriarchy. The idea that math (or data) is culturally neutral or in any way objective is a MYTH.”
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The preferred term for people who do not have children. Being child-free means never having to deal with stinking diapers, temper tantrums, smart-ass teenagers, or paying for college.
It means sleeping in on weekends, having uninterrupted conversations, and sex without making an appointment. Let’s spark a blunt to child-free living!
The two toes on a camel’s foot serve more than a decorative function. They are able to spread widely, when the occasion demands, in order to distribute the animal’s weight over as large a surface area as possible. This capability helps to prevent the camel from sinking into soft ground.
Following the Tom Brady roast, one reviewer proclaimed that Brady is “our ‘Jesus Christ’ in the war against political correctness.”
Jesus, you’ll recall, was the fly-as OG host and roast master at the world’s first roast, The Last Supper, where the tax collector, fishy hygiene, pedophile, and Is-Jesus-Gay jokes flew.