Smoke Signals

Whenever Louis and his wife sat on their balcony and smoke rings floated up from the balcony below, his wife “remembered” she had errands to run.

Louis suspected that “where there was smoke,” so one day when the rings appeared, he raced into the hallway and pulled the fire alarm.

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Love Actually Remade with DEI Focus

Love Actually, the Christmas classic, has been remade into a more diverse, equitable. and , and inclusive film.

Called Kawanzaa Actually, the remake features LGBTQIA++ folks and people of color.

“They get drunk and do silly things at Christmas, too,” said writer-director Richard Curtis.

“No longer is Christmas a white supremacist celebration.”

What Became of Jesus’ Foreskin?

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Quis scit? Foreskin relics appeared in numerous churches during the Middle Ages, sometimes simultaneously.

The Vatican eventually forbade anyone from discussing circumcision and removed its feast day from the church calendar. Nonetheless, a foreskin relic was stolen in Italy in 1984. Another was deemed fraudulent on Cash in the Attic.

Deus Own Noctis

In the encyclical Deus Own Noctis (God Owns the Night), Pope Francis warned that Catholics “can not seek refuge in sleep” in order to enjoy illicit sexual activities.

“God sees you when you’re sleeping,” declared the 86-year-old pope. “Any activity forbidden to waking Catholics is forbidden to sleeping persons, too.”

Lyle Lovett to the Rescue?

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“That’s the difference between god and me,” Barney tried.

She didn’t react.

“Now if I were Roy Rogers, I’d sure enough be single.”

Again, she didn’t laugh. He feared he had lost her.

On his way to the bedroom, he said to her in his head, “Honey, where’s the gun?”

Lizzo Sues Victoria’s Secret

Her $75,000,000 lawsuit hinges on a novel interpretation of the 14th Amendment, which, her lawyers claim, “confers protection” on pink-haired lesbians, 300-pound fatties, and all trannies.

Victoria’s Secret “caved into the patriarchy,” Lizzo declared.

“What? By featuring models that people actually want to look at?” said a Victoria’s Secret spokesperson.

Stones Release Most Overrated Album Yet?

It’s called Hackney Diamonds, and most critics are doing #3 in their pants, saying it’s the Stones best work in forty years.

“This band has never sounded more alive,” crowed The Guardian.

Others point out, however, that “even corpses are capable of twitching and emmitting sounds after they have died.”