politics, satire, horoscopes, & more
In the encyclical Deus Own Noctis (God Owns the Night), Pope Francis warned that Catholics “can not seek refuge in sleep” in order to enjoy illicit sexual activities.
“God sees you when you’re sleeping,” declared the 86-year-old pope. “Any activity forbidden to waking Catholics is forbidden to sleeping persons, too.”
“That’s the difference between god and me,” Barney tried.
She didn’t react.
“Now if I were Roy Rogers, I’d sure enough be single.”
Again, she didn’t laugh. He feared he had lost her.
On his way to the bedroom, he said to her in his head, “Honey, where’s the gun?”
Her $75,000,000 lawsuit hinges on a novel interpretation of the 14th Amendment, which, her lawyers claim, “confers protection” on pink-haired lesbians, 300-pound fatties, and all trannies.
Victoria’s Secret “caved into the patriarchy,” Lizzo declared.
“What? By featuring models that people actually want to look at?” said a Victoria’s Secret spokesperson.
It’s called Hackney Diamonds, and most critics are doing #3 in their pants, saying it’s the Stones best work in forty years.
“This band has never sounded more alive,” crowed The Guardian.
Others point out, however, that “even corpses are capable of twitching and emmitting sounds after they have died.”
Joran van der Sloot assured Natalee Holloway’s parents that their daughter, legally dead since 2012, is still, in fact, dead today. The assurance was part of a plea deal in which van der Sloot admitted to extorting $25,000 from Holloway’s mother for information about her daughter that he never delivered.
Dereck Lucas, 33, of near-by Fallowfield says he found the needle while “on a hay ride.” Lucas’ fiance, Myrna Stubblefield, was not thrilled with this discovery.
“He actually believes there’s a needle in every haystack. I’ll never convince him otherwise now.”
Lucas, meanwhile, peeled off his magnetized gloves and snickered.
I can’t have been a prince. They’re all taken. Kings? Gone, too. Queens? I don’t see myself in a dress. Everyone talented, noble, heroic, charismatic, or enlightened has already been claimed. And why not? Being important in a previous life, is much easier than being a success in this one.
The winner of the $10,000 first prize in Tyson Farm’s 2023 What Does That Remind You Of Contest is Laura Roberts, 43, of Bear, Delaware, who claimed the prize after finding a three-inch-long, phallus-shaped chicken tender in a family value package of frozen tenders. Her winning answer, “My ex-husband–Chicken Little.”
WCL: Doesn’t it bother you to deprive a handicapped person of a parking space?
CHEAT: No, not really. There are always tons of other handicapped spaces going empty in most lots.
WCL: But what if there’s only one space left? Would you take that?
CHEAT: No, unless it was raining.
Taylor Swift–most often appears on gluten-free wheat toast
Joseph Biden–difficult to see because he always forgets to adjust the toaster
Willie Nelson–appears on untoasted bread if you’re really high
Queen Elizabeth II–popular among dementia sufferers, who often think she’s Betty White
You–thanks to the magic of the Selfie Toaster