Mind the Stairs

Patrons of Almost Wagyu Steaks and Chops in Chicago were startled by a tintinnabulation and shrieks one evening.

“Some damn fool took header on the stairs to the restrooms, again,” laughed one diner.

“They really ought to put a warning sign there,” his companion replied.

“How about ‘Stairway to Oops’?”

National Conservation of Gravity Day

A critical shortfall of gravity brought on by the failed gravitational policies of the past is the greatest existential threat facing this country. The United States, which is home to 5 percent of the world’s population, consumes nearly 60 percent of its gravity. The air travel involved in the current presidential campaign will consume more gravity than the entire 18th century.

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You Can’t Satirize This Stuff, #10

“Trudeau to install tampon dispensers–in MEN’S bathrooms”

Justin Trudeau’s latest brainstorm: supply all bathrooms in federal public service departments, crown corporations, banks, airports, and train yards with menstrual products ‘regardless of their marked genders.’

These free products are taxpayer-funded.

Critics say thar men will bring them home to female partners.

Tapping Out

She jabs her index finger at an app like she’s poking someone in the chest while she’s making a point in an argument.

He lays his finger on an app gently, diffidently, as though he’s sorry to have to be the one who wakes it.

Can this marriage be saved?

OMG There’s a Patron Saint of Shorthand ISYN

If you’re STD (sick to death) of people who splatter their “writing” with SFS (stupid friggin’ shorthand), you can thank Saint Cassian of Imola, the OPS (official patron saint) of shorthand. Cassian, who lived in the fourth century CE (common era), was a schoolmaster at Imola in north-central Italy. He also moonlighted as the Bishop of Brescia, ICYDK, which sure beat moonlighting at the local donkey wash.

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AI Does Urban Myths

Garangadon, a evil-haired creature. Preys on immigrant children.

Swiftalator, usually male, haunts social media posing as a fourteen-year-old Swifty looking to hook up.

Mothman, glowing red eyes and enormous, greasy wings. Invades houses that have bug zappers.

Oakland Triangle, white people have disappeared there since the death of George Floyd.