flash fiction, satire, horoscopes, & more
Screen name Commander or Princess.
Wants to meet in PetSmart.
Measures height to shoulders.
Asks how old you are in dog years.
Thinks computer’s “pause” button is misspelled.
Asks if you’re fixed.
Avoids exchanging photos.
Re-roofed summer house for $100.
Can’t understand fuss about quintuplets.
Too interested in e-mailman’s schedule.
They wake up with crumbs in their butt.
The dog is cowering in the corner of the bedroom.
The steering wheel is sticky.
They find consent forms under their pillow.
A new batch of naked selfies on the iPhone.
They have a sudden urge to take themselves out to lunch.
WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–”Screw the pooch”—short for “man humps dog”— is an expression made popular in Tom Wolfe’s 1979 book about the Mercury space program, The Right Stuff. To screw the pooch is to commit a horribly wrong and embarrassing mistake, one from which there is no recovering. Predictably dogs hate the expression because . . .
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“Kelce” is among the top-trending dog names in the country—up 135% in a year—according to Rover, a Seattle-based matchmaker that connects pet owners with pet sitters and dog walkers.
In addition people hung that name on other items: penises, vaginas, farts, gerbils, drinks, cats, streets. new stars, assholes, oral sex.