politics, satire, horoscopes, & more
“Woman shot in butt after sliding into MRI machine with loaded firearm”
An unidentified Wisconsin woman was left with an extra pair of holes in her butt after she took a loaded firearm into an MRI machine during a doctor’s visit last June, according to Food and Drug Administration records.
When Jesus was brought before Pilate for trial, the latter offered to free Jesus if he could say “Arkei moi tyrannē, mēden eti mallon atimon” three times rapidly.
Jesus failed, changing the tongue twister’s meaning from “Enough for me, tyrant, nothing more dishonorable” to “Piss off, you camel-humping, maggot-ridden tyrant.”
“Taylor Swift Courses Will Be Offered at Harvard, UC Berkeley, University of Florida”
Roll over Will Shakespeare and tell John Milton the news. Seems like Taylor Swift “establishes complicated, changing relationships … to the idea of Americanness and to the idea of white Americanness,” blathered one female “diehard Swiftie” Harvard educator.
After receiving millions of letters that were obviously not written by youngsters (who generally don’t use terms like “plausible deniability”) Santa Claus declared he won’t read AI-generated correspondence.
Remember: He sees you when you paste an AI-generated stamp on your letter or when it begins “To whom it may concern.”
Although straws account for 0.025% of all plastic flowing into oceans, they are the virtue signal du jour for restaurateurs who replace them with paper models.
Fight back. Take plastic straws to restaurants, replace those paper models, then stick the latter to the underside of the table with chewing gum.
“Transgender Activists Attack Feminists Holding Event for Women’s Rights.”
“We are in good spirits and remain undefeated,” wrote feminist author Lierre Keith from Portland, Oregon.
“A mob of ‘antifa’ men pepper sprayed, punched, and kicked us, and stole our phones. We were attempting to have an event about male violence.”
“What’s this $999.00 payment to NeverEndingWeb?” she asked.
“That guarantees my new website won’t expire even when I do.”
“Who’s gonna read it 100 years from now?”
“Don’t know, but they’ll read exactly what I wrote.”
“Sooner or later you’ll have to give up the hope for a better past.”
“Kelce” is among the top-trending dog names in the country—up 135% in a year—according to Rover, a Seattle-based matchmaker that connects pet owners with pet sitters and dog walkers.
In addition people hung that name on other items: penises, vaginas, farts, gerbils, drinks, cats, streets. new stars, assholes, oral sex.
“Careful, Hon, that plate’s hot,” the waitress said.
“Not as hot as I am,” he snickered.
His wife rolled her eyes.
“What, you don’t think I’m hot?”
“Your brother’s hotter.”
“Can I get youse anything else?” the waitress asked.
“A towel,” he replied, tossing his drink into his wife’s face.
WCL: Megan Rapinoe, USWNT soccer player, said that her getting injured early in the final match of her career is “proof” that God doesn’t exist.
GOD: Au contraire. That pink-haired freak suffers from anal-cranial inversion. Whom does she think caused her to choke that penalty kick in the World Cup?