politics, satire, horoscopes, & more
The most offensive joke in history, “The Aristocrats,” was weaponized in a documentary film directed by Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette, the talking member of Penn and Teller. By then “The Aristocrats” was at least fifty years old, and was a legendary after-hours joke that comedians shared but never performed in public, usually vying to see who could spin the most disgusting version of the story.
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My father never met a cliché he didn’t like. One of his favorites was “Never look a gift horse in the mouth.” I often wondered if that applied to gift pussy, but the old man never said much about pussy. In fact he said so little about pussy that I also wondered if I was the product of a virgin birth.
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The school-bus-yellow school bus rattled down Meeting House Road with twenty or so prep school students on board. They were escorted by a history teacher with red-orange hair at the wheel, and another teacher, this one with a galloping case of male pattern baldness, who sat amid ship in order to maintain discipline. The side of the bus announced, “Archmere Academy, Claymont, Delaware.”
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Left to my own devices, which is seldom a good idea, I decided to bring Lady Chatterley’s Lover to school to share with my friends. I had read the newly released, previously banned novel one otherwise slow weekend early in my senior year in prep school.
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A concussion leaves Guido unable to speak in the past tense. One day a sinister-looking man in a pizzeria hears him say, “I get the stromboli when I’m here last week.”
The man, a local mobster, thinks Guido is in witness protection. When Guido leaves the store, the man follows.
There is only one kind of person in the world. He who knows about Schrödinger’s cat, and he who does not. For most of us, however, Schrödinger’s cat is a meme in search of a meaning. Chances are we have seen a reference to this elusive feline somewhere in a book, article, movie, television show, or bathroom wall; but chances are equal that we don’t know fuck-all about this creature . . . or even how to pronounce its owner’s name (ˈshrœ-diŋ-ər).
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Microsoft has responded to complaints from Windows 11 users who reported feeling sluggish after installing recommended system upgrades. Yesterday Microsoft released the first of six patches that will be distributed free to certified Windows 11 users by Microsoft-validated physicians who display the trusted “Windows 11 Capable” shield in their offices.
Ten Things You Should Quit Doing While Not Going Gently into That Good Night
1. Organized religion
2. Voting
3. Seat belts
4. Making sure your zipper’s up
5. Paying for music, books, and/or movies
6. Wearing that lame-ass gray beard/goatee
7. Pissing indoors all the time
8. Apologizing to anyone younger than you are
9. Stupid old-fart hats
10. Bathing or showering regularly
Buddy’s fondness for irony mutated into a full-blown paradoxical reaction to life. Dandruff shampoo turned him into a blizzard with feet. Cough medication made him sputter. His deodorant smelled like road-kill. When he sought medical advice, his doctor said, “I’d avoid Beano, contraceptives, and hemorrhoid preparations if I were you.”
A Canadian couple was eaten by a bear recently despite “shooting” her with a full can of BearScat, “the world’s most effective bear repellent.” Stung by criticism from outraged Redditors, the company has introduced BearScatPro. Each giant-economy-sized can includes a coupon for 20% off any Smith & Wesson hand gun.