Top Ten List of Patron Saints of Bad Decisions

For centuries the Church has trafficked in patron saints who represent self-denial, chastity, and other deeply unmarketable virtues. Yet ordinary mortals know that we need heavenly sponsorship for the messy stuff: overdrafts, karaoke, and sending “u up?” texts that end careers. The Church, however, in its infinite selective memory, has canonized only those who embody virtue. Where does that leave the rest of us—the great unwashed who make dubious choices daily, who navigate life with the reckless abandon of a man lighting a cigarette while refueling his lawn mower? Surely, we deserve patronage, too. And so, at long last, the roll call of saints for the terminally imprudent: the Top Ten List of Patron Saints of Bad Decisions

10. St. Margarita of the Salt Rim
    Her miracles are many: the bottomless happy hour, the inexplicable decision to wear flip-flops in a snowstorm, the ability to turn a simple “one drink” into a three-day spiritual retreat. Pilgrims still visit the site of her greatest apparition: a Chili’s in Albuquerque where she manifested as a fluorescent frozen cocktail with an umbrella, two pink straws, and a plastic sword through a cherry.

9. St. Maxwell of the Credit Card
   Maxwell appeared first to a weary bank clerk in 1983, when a young man attempted to buy a jet ski on twenty-four easy installments. He blesses all who carry balances into perpetuity, and he is invoked most fervently at 3 a.m. while clicking “complete purchase” on an $800 bread maker. His relic: a wallet so overstuffed it is technically classified as a blunt-force weapon.

8. St. Tinderella the Swipe Eternal
   A shimmering vision of hope, regret, and venereal prophylaxis, Tinderella watches over those who believe “this time it will be different.” Her greatest miracle is multiplying red flags into a tapestry so large it blots out the sun. On her feast days, her followers send unsolicited mirror selfies to strangers and then disappear for three months.

7. St. Bartholomew of the Bounced Check
   Known for his habit of vanishing precisely when the bill arrives, Bartholomew presides over all who trust “the funds will clear tomorrow.” His miracles include making an ATM print receipts with the balance listed simply as “lol.” His shrine can be found at payday lenders, usually marked by a flickering fluorescent bulb and the faint odor of despair.

6. St. Viola of Karaoke Regret
   First canonized after a particularly destructive rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody in Osaka, Viola is called upon by those who confuse enthusiasm with pitch control. Her miracles include transforming a polite gathering into a hostage situation by the third verse. Her sacred icon is a microphone sticky with beer foam, her relic a bar stool with one leg shorter than the others.

5. St. Augustine of Late-Night Amazon Purchases
   Augustine appeared in a dream to a suburban dad who awoke surrounded by fourteen novelty sombreros and an inflatable bouncy castle. His miracles are shipping confirmations with no recollection of what was ordered. Tradition holds that invoking his name will summon at least one UPS package per week, often containing adult onesies, artisanal beard oils, or a suspicious number of tactical flashlights.

4. St. Pandora of the Opened Box
   Her cult is ancient: she is the matron of “how bad could it be?” Pandora is invoked by those who click every suspicious link and press every button labeled “Do Not Push.” Her greatest miracle was the invention of reality television. Legends say her relic is a cardboard box that hums ominously when shaken, stored deep beneath the Smithsonian.

3. St. Gerry of “Hold My Beer”
   A minor saint in heaven but a major one in emergency rooms, Gerry protects all who attempt stunts best described as Darwin-baiting. His miracles include walking away from ATV crashes with nothing but a grass stain, and convincing friends that setting fireworks off indoors is “totally safe.” Pilgrims to his shrine usually depart  via ambulance.

2. St. Cassandra of Ignored Warnings
   Cassandra is invoked in moments when one sober voice pleads, “Maybe we should not,” only to be drowned out by the chorus of “YOLO!” Her miracles are unheeded prophecies, like “That water looks shallow” or “Do not eat sushi from a gas station.” Followers report that whenever she speaks, her voice is immediately drowned out by Nickelback on Bluetooth.

1. St. Ignatius of the Wrong Text Thread
   The highest of the bad-decision saints, Ignatius presides over every group chat mishap. His miracles include sending incriminating screenshots to the very person being mocked, and accidentally inviting your boss to a bachelor party. Tradition holds that invoking him guarantees your most sensitive message will always find its way to the family WhatsApp. His relic: a cracked iPhone forever stuck in “sent with emphasis.”

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Benediction of Patron Saints
And so, brothers and sisters in folly, light a candle, raise a glass, and whisper their names. They will not save you from your catastrophes, but they will make sure you have company on the way down—and perhaps a half-price margarita waiting at the bottom.

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