Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue to Feature First Mormon Cover Model

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue has announced that it will feature the first ever Mormon cover model. The magazine, which has already paraded transwomen, old past-their-prime women (Martha Stewart) and the occasional plus-size pioneer, has decided that the time has come to showcase a woman rocking colorful temple garments on the beach.

“We have always believed in pushing boundaries. We have featured athletes, activists, and icons. Now we feature covenants. The temple garment is not secret, it is sacred, and we believe sacred underwear deserves its moment in the sun.”

The editorial team insisted that the garments were not altered, merely accessorized. “We did not cut sleeves, we did not trim hems. We simply added neon stripes, sequins, and a plunging neckline that still technically covers the navel. We respect tradition while selling magazines.”

The cover model, Sister Celestial Summers, gave her testimony to the press:

“I have always dreamed of representing my faith while also representing swimwear. When I walk the runway in temple garments, I feel both modest and marketable. I am not ashamed. I am empowered. I am wearing covenants, but I am also wearing glitter.”

She added that the garments were surprisingly versatile. “They wick away sweat, they resist sand, and they look incredible under a sheer sarong. I believe the Lord approves of this issue, because the garments are finally breathable.”

The Satirical Duality

• The garment is marketed as eternal, yet it is now seasonal.
• The swimsuit issue sells desire, the garment sells devotion, and together they sell subscriptions.
• Martha Stewart baked cookies, transwomen broke barriers, and now Mormons break modesty codes with sequins.

Cosmic Irony The temple garment was designed to remind the faithful of eternal covenants. Now it reminds readers of renewal notices. The satire is stitched in every seam: salvation meets swimsuit, eternity meets editorial, covenant meets couture.

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