Funny Horoscopes (The Ones Nobody Asked For)

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The stars suggest you will start three new projects today and finish none of them. Mercury is in retrograde, but honestly, that is just your excuse for replying “k” to your mom’s heartfelt text. Your lucky number is however many cups of coffee it takes to admit you have a problem.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Today you will spend forty-five minutes deciding what to order for lunch, only to get “the usual.” Venus is aligned with your stubborn refusal to try anything new. The universe recommends moving that chair you have been saying you will move for six months. Spoiler: you will not.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You will have sixteen different personalities today, none of them consistent. Your texting style will vary so wildly that three people will ask if you are okay. The stars indicate you are in the middle of telling two completely different stories to two different people at the same party. Godspeed.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Today you will sob at a commercial about paper towels. The moon is in your emotional support snack phase. You will check your phone thirty-seven times hoping someone texted, then be annoyed when someone actually does. Romance is on the horizon, but it is probably just you romanticizing your past again.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The sun is shining directly on you because of course it is. You will tell the same story you have already told five times this week because you genuinely believe it gets better each time. It does not. Someone will compliment your outfit and you will ride that high for seventy-two hours straight.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You have alphabetized your spice rack four times already this morning. Later  you will notice a typo in someone’s email and it will haunt you all day, but you are too polite to mention it. The stars suggest you relax, but you have already made a color-coded chart explaining why you cannot.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) You will spend three hours deciding between two identical options. Your indecisiveness has reached cosmic levels— the universe is tired of waiting for you to pick a restaurant. Someone will ask for your opinion and you will give them seven different perspectives, none of them conclusive.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You are plotting something, but the stars cannot tell what because you are so secretive. You will hold a grudge from 2019 close to your heart today. Someone will do something mildly suspicious and you will conduct a full investigation in your head. Trust issues? The cosmos says they are justified. (They are not.)

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Your commitment issues are showing. You will book a spontaneous trip while ignoring your actual responsibilities. The universe admires your confidence in saying “I will figure it out” about things that definitely require planning. Your brutal honesty will hurt someone’s feelings today. You will feel bad for eleven seconds.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) You have been working so hard that your houseplants have filed a missing person report. Saturn is aligned with your crippling need to be productive at all times. Someone will suggest “just relaxing” and you will short-circuit. Your idea of fun is optimizing your Google Calendar. The stars are concerned.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) You will have a brilliant, revolutionary idea that Is definitely been thought of before, but you will act like you invented it. Your quirky personality is actually just you being contrarian for sport. The cosmos predicts you will say “I am not like other people” at least twice today. Yes, you are.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You have been living in a fantasy world so long you forgot to pay your actual bills. Reality called—you sent it to voicemail and wrote a poem about it instead. The stars suggest getting out of bed before 2pm, but let us be honest, that is not happening. Your vibe is immaculate; your life skills are concerning.

Disclaimer: These horoscopes are 98% inaccurate and 100% based on wild guesses. Consult a real astrologer if you want actual guidance, or just keep making the same mistakes. The stars support both options.

For additional horoscopes from the nether world, click here if you dare.