politics, satire, horoscopes, & more
“Transgender Activists Attack Feminists Holding Event for Women’s Rights.”
“We are in good spirits and remain undefeated,” wrote feminist author Lierre Keith from Portland, Oregon.
“A mob of ‘antifa’ men pepper sprayed, punched, and kicked us, and stole our phones. We were attempting to have an event about male violence.”
“What’s this $999.00 payment to NeverEndingWeb?” she asked.
“That guarantees my new website won’t expire even when I do.”
“Who’s gonna read it 100 years from now?”
“Don’t know, but they’ll read exactly what I wrote.”
“Sooner or later you’ll have to give up the hope for a better past.”
“Kelce” is among the top-trending dog names in the country—up 135% in a year—according to Rover, a Seattle-based matchmaker that connects pet owners with pet sitters and dog walkers.
In addition people hung that name on other items: penises, vaginas, farts, gerbils, drinks, cats, streets. new stars, assholes, oral sex.
“Careful, Hon, that plate’s hot,” the waitress said.
“Not as hot as I am,” he snickered.
His wife rolled her eyes.
“What, you don’t think I’m hot?”
“Your brother’s hotter.”
“Can I get youse anything else?” the waitress asked.
“A towel,” he replied, tossing his drink into his wife’s face.
WCL: Megan Rapinoe, USWNT soccer player, said that her getting injured early in the final match of her career is “proof” that God doesn’t exist.
GOD: Au contraire. That pink-haired freak suffers from anal-cranial inversion. Whom does she think caused her to choke that penalty kick in the World Cup?
The iPhone 15 carries a Fecal Finder™ app that detects fecal material as tiny as 1 part per 100,000,000.
Some people check their email and texts while on the crapper; and if their left hand doesn’t know what their right hand is doing, their phone soon smells like their ass.
These will include a cell phone blocker that can be set to activate whenever a cell phone rings within 50 feet; a prostate checker that sends a warning text whenever a prostate reading is elevated; a digital coupon good for 10% off at all McDonald’s; and a gray-panther pussy finder.
Double Olympic champion Caster Semenya, 32, claims to be a woman, despite having been born without a uterus.
“At the end of the day,” Semenya said, “I do not care about being born without a uterus, being born with internal testicles—those don’t make me less of a woman.”
This year’s inductees are:
Kate Bush, dour folkie singer-songwriter.
Sheryl Crow, “5th Greatest Alternative Artist of all time” (Billboard).
Missy Elliott, cranky, overbearing, white-folk-hating rapper.
George Michael, legit
Willie Nelson, WTF?!?!
Rage Against the Machine, “blends” heavy metal, rap, punk, funk, and socialism.
The Spinners, lame, high-stepping Motown R&B/soul group
People tie yellow ribbons around your old oak tree–but you aren’t missing.
Objects in your rear view mirror are going faster than they appear to be.
Your computer keeps changing your passwords.
Telemarketers hang up on you when you answer the phone.
Your shadow tries to follow other people home