National Conservation of Gravity Day

A critical shortfall of gravity brought on by the failed gravitational policies of the past is the greatest existential threat facing this country. The United States, which is home to 5 percent of the world’s population, consumes nearly 60 percent of its gravity. The air travel involved in the current presidential campaign will consume more gravity than the entire 18th century.

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God Disses Megan Rapinoe in 30-second Interview

WCL: Megan Rapinoe, USWNT soccer player, said that her getting injured early in the final match of her career is proof that God doesn’t exist.

GOD: Au contraire. That pink-haired freak suffers from anal-cranial inversion. Whom does she think caused her to choke that penalty kick in the World Cup?