Ten Signs You Accidentally Ate a Mushroom That Wasn’t Food

We have issued a satirical public advisory regarding the consumption of unidentified mushrooms for purposes of mood enhancement. Although some academic researchers have noted potential therapeutic effects, we caution against treating fungi as a shortcut to mental clarity, personal growth, or basic accountability.

10. We once added “mystery mushrooms” to a turkey tetrazzini we prepared without turning on the lights. The casserole, the evening, and the relationship all collapsed simultaneously.

9. Two perfectly ordinary men briefly appeared to multiply into five extremely chatty versions of themselves.

8. We began connecting unrelated dots on the ceiling and concluded they held important messages specifically for us.

7. We saw dead people.

6. Dead people saw us and offered unsolicited feedback.

5. Concepts we previously dismissed—such as intelligent design or our uncle’s financial strategies—suddenly seemed reasonable.

4. We could not remember passwords for obscure websites we probably should not have created in the first place.

3. Our own love handles appeared strangely charismatic and, in certain lighting, motivational.

2. We forgot the difference between our bum and a hole in the ground.

1. We Googled ourself to make sure we were still alive.

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