A critical shortfall of gravity brought on by the failed gravitational policies of the past is the greatest existential threat facing this country. The United States, which is home to 5 percent of the world’s population, consumes nearly 60 percent of its gravity. The air travel involved in the current presidential campaign will consume more gravity than the entire 18th century.
“If we don’t do something about conserving gravity, the day will come when we are unable to enjoy a simple game of basketball,” warned erstwhile flat earth advocate Kyrie Irving..
Mr. Irving claims to be in possession of a shoe box full of unopened classified correspondence in former President Trump’s private study in Mar-Lago. The letters in the shoe box are from the American Society for the Conservation of Gravity (ASCG), which had been urging President Trump to take immediate steps to reduce this nation’s alarming rate of gravity consumption.
Then ASCG president, Leyland P. Moser, warned the president that unless the United States moved quickly to curtail its runaway consumption of gravity, “we could face disastrous consequences—among them the disappearance of the forward pass from football and the demise of the trampoline industry.” On the plus side, wrote Mr. Moser, “People will literally be able to piss up a rope.”
Mr. Moser, who does not fly or use air mail, never got the meeting he had requested from President Trump, but current President Biden vowed to correct that omission by executive order. He also announced, “The next time I’m in Chicago I’ll bike out to the ASCG’s one-story, gravity-conserving headquarters in Schaumberg, Illinois.”
Meanwhile, the president has been reading Living Down to Gravity’s Challenge, the autobiography of Darwin Crum, who founded the ASCG in March 1980. According to Mr. Crum, “Newton never defined gravity. He simply described what it does. The ASCG, on the other hand, used actual unretouched Xeroxed copies to demonstrate that gravity is produced by LIGREFITEs (Little Invisible Gravity Rays Emanating from Inside The Earth). These LIGREFITEs, which look like threaded rods, originate at the center of the earth and extend outward indefinitely.
“By piercing the electrons at the core of all matter, LIGREFITEs keep everything from floating off into space&mdsah;except for helium and a few other substances that are threaded in the opposite direction. Obviously if we tax the properties of LIGREFITEs by constantly sending objects like airplanes, cheerleaders, and yo-yos up and down–or by constructing tall buildings that put a strain on LIGREFITEs—we wear out their threads and exhaust our supply of gravity.”
President Biden is even considering the appointment of a Gravity Czar, from a pool of eligible black male transgender candidates. “We need a bold initiatives that will restore people’s faith in gravity.” He urged all Americans to take more naps under weighted blankets, to form elevator pools at work, to stop flipping pancakes, to use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights, and to set their pop-up toasters on their sides because this not only saves gravity but also results in your toast falling right onto your plate.
Other measures the president recommended include a cap on roller coaster construction and height limits on vertical food presentation. He also wanted all women larger than a 34-B to wear bras; but he dismissed as premature a report that he planned to sign an executive order reducing the ton to 500 pounds.
