President Joseph R. Biden extended an unsteady hand to the gay, lesbian, and trans communities last night when he announced that he was going to sign an executive order authorizing the creation of a $3 bill.
Speaking at a dinner hosted by the National Black Trans Advocacy Coalition (NBTAC), the president said, “I fully expect the $3 bill to provide the greatest boost to the American economy since, uh, since the, uh, since the wooden nickel.”
Nellie Liang, Under Secretary for Domestic Finance at the U.S. Treasury Department, also attended the dinner. She echoed Mr. Biden’s remarks.
“The dated, dead-white-man appearance of the dollar is responsible for its poor performance in world financial markets,” she said. “The American people deserve a dollar that isn’t style challenged. How can we expect our dollar to compete against other currencies when our dollar looks like somebody’s weird uncle Bob dressed up for the Halloween gala at the senior center?”
Reaction to the $3 bill was mixed among the LGBTQIA+. Billy Manlove, owner of a chain of Diversity Dollar Stores in San Francisco, welcomed the news. “I’m going to change their name to Three Dollar Stores as soon as my graphic artist gets back from the bathhouse,” said Mr. Manlove.
Despite the president’s enthusiasm for “this cutting edge currency,” the $3 bill has met with resistance from some Black [sic] leaders.
Yasmin Benoit, a trailblazer in asexuality and aromantic advocacy, is on a mission to show the world that asexuality “is not just a white supremacy thing.” She insists the $3 bill should not be just a white supremacy thing either.
Speaking at a sold-out rally in the basement of a Unitarian church on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, Ms. Benoit declared, “The black asexual will never be free as long as s/he is refused a seat on the legal tender bus.”
Ms. Benoit suggested Leyna Bloom, the first transgender model to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.
Christian groups, meanwhile, argue that Americans’ widespread belief in angels make them the best subject to grace the new bill.
Another suggestion for modernizing the $3 bill came from Wayne Lemons, Delaware’s state lottery director. Lemons is touting the Lotto-Dollar as “a kick-ass competitor” to the euro.
“The Lotto-Dollar would function as the present dollar does,” Lemons explained, “but the Lotto-Dollar would have a number concealed under Tinky Winky’s image. Upon scratching the image, just as you would scratch a lottery ticket, you would find out if your dollar is worth its face value or some other value ranging from $5 to $500—plus a free Big Mac with fries and soda at McDonald’s.”
In related news, actress Julia Roberts also criticized “the dollar thing.” Roberts suggested renaming the dollar “Obadiah.”
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
