Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Your request to change your birth date legally so that it coincides with the Aztec calendar turns the worldwide judicial community on its briefs. Bill Gates likes the idea, however, and promptly releases Windows 8736 with a screen saver in which his face morphs into that of the Sun God.

Capricorn (12/22 ‑ 1/19): One-size-fits-all clothing doesn’t come in your size. A psychic tries to read your palm, but you are ticklish, and she casts a spell on you because she thinks you are laughing at her mustache. Soon everything you eat will taste like macadamia nuts, the first sign of Don Ho syndrome.

Aquarius (01/20 – 02/18: The things that turn you on turn on you. When you go for a drive, you notice the following sticker: “Objects seen in the rearview mirror may not be real.” Observe the speed limit for the time being and resist the temptation to think of yourself in the third person.

Pisces (02/19 – 03/20): Pisces are known for their inability to breed in captivity, their confusion about the direction of true north, and their fondness for grain alcohol. This last trait explains the first two, but for all Pisces the question remains: If your zodiac sign contains fish, why do Pisces rule the feet?

Aries (03/21 – 04/19): If the enemy of your enemy is your friend, is your friend’s friend your enemy? Or are you simply being paranoid? Don’t make any decisions unless you begin getting calls from a sinister, foreign-sounding man who identifies himself as Al Ninyo. Then let your imagination and your feet run wild.

Taurus (04/20 – 05/20): Don’t open e-mail with “Harpo” in the subject line. You’ll unleash the overbearing Oprah virus, which randomly changes the size of your executable files. The threat of the Oprah virus is proof that you should look a gift horse in the mouth—especially if it gives you a new car.

Gemini (05/21 – 06/21): While you’re channel surfing during a thunderstorm, your remote is struck by a bolt of lightning that scrambles your five senses. You subsequently discover that a rose by any other taste looks like F sharp above middle C. Worse yet, you can’t get anything but the cooking channel on television.

Cancer (06/22 – 07/22): The dating service you contacted suggests that you are best suited for the companionship of a significant other bearing a sticker that says, “Intel Inside.” The next time you go looking for love in one of those fee-based places, be sure to check the box that reads, “Same-species partner preferred.”

Leo (07/23 – 08/22): Your sun is in debt, your moon in denial, even the planet Immodium can’t help you if you have the leftover Szechuan pork for lunch. Later this week fortune smiles on you. Beware, it’s a Mona Lisa smile, and she may have a sharp object hidden under her dress.

Virgo (08/23 -09/22): Although no man is a hero to his valet, there’s no excuse for retaining a valet who lays out pajama bottoms and a black blazer for an important public appearance. That’s a recipe for a hero to zero rush. Next time don’t send a man to do a boy’s job.

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21): Will you learn to harness your psychic powers in the service of world peace, the pursuit of a cure for congenital disease, or the acquisition of free cable service? Choose wisely. What does it profit a man if he lives in a peaceful world but can’t afford the premium channels?

Libra (09/23 – 10/22): Headaches can be caused by too many cute magnets on the refrigerator door—or by leaving the Christmas lights up too long. Leftover issues will overwhelm the new year before it’s even out of diapers unless you take control of your environment. A house is not a home because it’s cluttered.