Virgo (08/23 – 09/22): A bolt of lightning from strikes the invisible-fence box on your cat’s collar. When the cat wakes up, she can read people’s minds. The heightened intensity this talent brings to watching television more than makes up for the knowledge that her owners spend most of their time thinking trivial thoughts.

Libra (9/23 ‑ 10/23): Paper is the ruling element in your celestial scrapbook, but this emergence raises several questions: Will you achieve fame as a paperback writer, or will you suffer the agony of 1,000 paper cuts? Why ask me? I’m not an astrologer; I only play on the web.

Scorpio (10/24 ‑ 11/21):Life deals you a painful  wedgie when you receive a wedding invitation–from  your current spouse. Toward the end  of a lonesome month your prayers are answered.  The answer is a flat out No, and it  arrives with the notation “dictated but not read” beneath a hand-stamped facsimile of god’s signature.

Sagittarius (11/22 ‑ 12/21): The dual-action hair-growth-facilitator-and-mood-enhancer on sale at wegotyourdrugs.com provides a whimsical subtext to your cosmic narrative. The site’s motto — “No doctors, no questions, no waiting” — appeals to your propensity for self-medication. Read the instructions carefully, however, or you might wind up bearing an unfortunate resemblance to little Peter Dinklage.

Capricorn (12/22 ‑ 1/19): Capricorns exhibit all the elan of a penguin. Thus, you prefer solitaire to bridge, pigeons to peacocks, Lawrence Welk to the Village People. You are so boring you have to hire a designated drinker to enliven your parties. Have a lot of kids that’ll give you something to talk about.

Aquarius (1/20 ‑ 2/18): Your spouse and kids begin the Survivor board game, but things turn  grim when they barbecue the kitten. After a week of hostile competition, they vote to expel you from “their” house. When you tell them “it’s only a game,” they burn all your clothes and cut the telephone wires.

Pisces (2/19 ‑ 3/20): Stressed out by your growing inability to remember appointments, colleagues’ names, the words to “American Pie,” and where you put the car keys, you purchase the Larry King Ginko Biloba Memory Kit. Soon your friends are impressed with your new-found ability to recall the tiniest details of Mr. King’s life.

Aries (3/21 ‑ 4/19): Severe food poisoning destroys your ability to speak in the past tense. One day a man in a pizzeria overhears you say, “I get the stromboli when I’m here last week.” He mistakes you for an informant in the witness protection program. I leave town fast if I am you.

Taurus (4/20 ‑ 5/20): Troubled by your lack of a formal education, you enroll in Degrees for Dollars, a virtual university that awards degrees based on life experiences. After reviewing your application, the dean’s council votes to grant you a Bachelor of Arts in Compromising Positions, providing you allow them to keep the pictures.

Gemini (5/21 ‑ 6/21): Your lawsuit against the Fowl Weather Friend Corporation, Ltd over a malfunctioning pop-up thermometer in an oven-roaster chicken comes to trial at last. The proceedings are badly compromised, however, when a copy of Jury Selection for Dummies falls from your lawyer’s pocket as she’s making her way into the courtroom.

Cancer (6/22 ‑ 7/22): Nothing succeeds like finesse. Don’t  let your inability to relate to other human beings or your flippant disregard for their feelings stand in the way of professional advancement. These traits are  prerequisites for success in a  service economy and in many divisions of the healing arts and the legal profession.

Leo (7/23 ‑ 8/22): A stranger stops you on the street and asks if you want to buy a vowel. Have him pronounce the vowel first to make sure it isn’t a knockoff, which will make any word it’s used in unintelligible. Beware, too, the “sometimes” vowels, whose limited applications don’t justify their price.