Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): The appearance of a Joe Biden screen saver leads you to suspect your computer has been infected by the diabolical Old Fart virus. Soon everything you say turns to clichés. That’s the way the cookie crumbles; but if you play your cards right, you won’t be crying over spilt milk.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): You’ll met your soulmate during an all-night session in a Gavin Newsome chat room. Before flying to San  Francisco for decaf latte and Ecstasy with this individual, ask yourself whether it’s someone to revere or just another preternatural smile looking for a toothpaste ad to sink its gleaming teeth into.

Aries (3/21 ‑ 4/19): Clumsy but adventurous, you stuff  your December with batshit mishaps like setting fire to the egg nog bowl and pitching face forward into the Christmas tree. As the first sign of the zodiac, you give special meaning to the sentence, “And the first shall be last.”

Taurus (4/20 ‑ 5/20): Normally steadfast  and true, you suddenly grapple with  the simplest choices. Real or synthetic tree? Sausage or vegetable stuffing? Hang mistletoe on your belt for the Christmas party?  Surender your iron will to irony. Sometimes the best decisions are those that make you laugh the hardest.

Gemini (05/21 – 06/20):The motor-mouth twins put the arse in arsenal.  Quick of wit, quixotic of charm, Geminis can turn the most mundane situations into full-on clusterfucks. Geminis mustn’t dominate conversations, however, because the gift of gab isn’t the gift that keeps on giving if the receiver can’t get a word in edgewise.

Cancer (06/2121 – 07/22): The sideways-walking, homebody crab is known for its nurturing touch and strong emotional ties. Snuggies, holiday cookies, hot cocoa, your favorite edibles, and a Netflix binge are your go-to activities for the month. Respect others’ feelings and avoid stomping on toes with heavy-handed jokes that are too sharp or cutting.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Time to start thinking outside the box. If life gives you lemons, why not make filet of sole with a lemon-wedge garnish? If the chickens come home to roost, get out the Shake ‘n’ Bake. Who cares for whom the damn bell tolls anyway? Let the answering machine get it.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Your volcanic temper becomes cause for concern after you microwave your laptop for failing to boot up quickly. A friend convinces you that your best shot for salvation lies in the Smith and Wesson Anger Management Program. You should know that your friend got this bright idea from his dog.

Libra (9/23 – 10/23):  Half your current dilemma—the benign half—is occasioned by the fact that yours is the only inanimate sign of the zodiac, Skippy. Your other problems stem from a reverse case of attention deficit disorder: People have trouble paying attention to you. A prosthetic runny nose should serve to focus their attention.

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21): Your financial prospects are so wretched you could only afford the new George Foreman heavyweight grill on a time-sharing arrangement with a family that’s overly fond of road-kill. Later in the month a 300-pound canary named Junior will raise the specter of duality,  adjectives, and Hegel’s dialectic in your mind.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): The world is not your diaper. The wind is in your face; your ruling house is in denial; the road slopes downward to meet you, and your dreams are wearing toe tags. Besides, the four horsepersons of the apocalypse are saddling up to go barrel racing on your front lawn.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Your evening plans are set afire by Britney Spears. When a group of nuns fails to put the fire out with holy water, a paraplegic oaf saves you by chugging cans of Fosters and spitting  on the fire. Let this be a lesson. Half an oaf is better than nuns.