Horoscopes January 2024

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Someone with the initials B.O., and a hideous birthmark in the  middle of her forehead, seeks spiritual advice. If the I Ching doesn’t provide it, do what all astrologers do when stumped: wave your arms, stand on one foot, and shout, “What the hell do you think I am, psychic?”

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Horoscopes November 2023

Virgo (08/23 – 09/22): A bolt of lightning from strikes the invisible-fence box on your cat’s collar. When the cat wakes up, she can read people’s minds. The heightened intensity this talent brings to watching television more than makes up for the knowledge that her owners spend most of their time thinking trivial thoughts.

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Horoscopes October 2023

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Your request to change your birth date legally so that it coincides with the Aztec calendar turns the worldwide judicial community on its briefs. Bill Gates likes the idea, however, and promptly releases Windows 8736 with a screen saver in which his face morphs into that of the Sun God.

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